INT - DAY - SIMPLE ROOM
A simple room with two armchairs and a closed door. Between the chairs is a serving trolly with a teapot that is covered in an excessive amount of doilies. Beside the teapot, is a pyramid of Ferrero Rocher. Two women (LADY and LASSIE) sit on either chair with teacups in their hands. They are wearing ugly Christmas jumpers with their names sewn in. Lady is wearing a Santa hat. Lassie has elf ears.
LADY
Did I tell you what the grandchildren have asked for, for Christmas?
LASSIE
No, but something expensive I bet.
LADY
No. They just asked for money.
LASSIE
Well, how do you even wrap that?
LADY
Exactly, just terrible with jingle bells on top!
LASSIE
How much you gonna give ‘em then?
LADY
Well, I asked their mother. She said just give what you normally spend. And I told her well what in the bloody tinsel am I gonna do with that? Each year it’s been different. First, it was toys. Then it was designer slippers. Last year bloody tablets each!
LASSIE
Oh no. Do you, do you think…
Lassie gasps
LASSIE
(Cont.)
Well, I don’t want to say. No, I mustn’t.
LADY
Just say it,
LASSIE
No, I couldn’t bring myself to ruin your perception of your grandchildren.
LADY
Just spit it out!
Lassie blows raspberries as she talks.
LASSIE
Do you think the money is for-
LADY
What is this now?
LASSIE
You said spit it out so I am spitting it out.
LADY
Just hurry up and talk normally.
Lassie talks normally but really fast. Like she was being fast forward.
LASSIE
Do you think the money is for drugs?
LADY
No, I do not! And yes, yes very clever. I see what you did. Just talk normally, please.
Lassie talks normally for the rest of the sketch.
LASSIE
Don’t you think Christmas comes so fast nowadays?
LADY
I know! It’s just awful, isn’t it?
LASSIE
Just for it to be all over in a day. (Beat) Well, I’m not doing it this year. No decorations. No ‘thank you’ cards. No turkey. None of it.
LADY
People don’t really do turkey now anyways.
LASSIE
Well, when I say no turkey. I will do it. It is expected after all.
LADY
And I guess with everything online now, you don’t really need to write cards and post ‘em,
LASSIE
Oh, I’ll do the cards. Jeany won’t do online for one. Oh and don’t let me forget. Must pick up a tree to let the grandkids decorate with me tomorrow.
LADY
So, you are doing Christmas then?
LASSIE
I know and isn’t just terrible!
LADY
And everyone is so feckless. I work hard for Christmas and it’s all ‘sit down mum, stop rushing, eat your turkey, I’ll do the dishes gran.’
LASSIE
And not one of them have thought maybe we don’t want to?
Lady jumps out of her chair, chucking her cup across the room.
LADY
Yeah! Maybe I want to do it all and take all the credit!
Lassie jumps up next throwing her mug too.
LASSIE
And they could just thank us instead of telling us what to bloody do!
LADY
Just let us do Christmas!
LASSIE
Maybe I want to run myself silly, so I can get a good moan about it later!
LADY
Exactly! It’s my Christmas too and I want to treat myself!
LASSIE
Just terrible. Not letting us enjoy our Christmas!
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