Dish Ninja - Sketch

 INT - AFTERNOON - LIVING ROOM

A woman (SOPHIE) is sitting on the sofa watching TV. Another woman (ROSIE) enters from the kitchen door behind the sofa.

ROSIE

Did you just put my glass away?

Sophie never looks away from the TV.

SOPHIE

Do you mean clean, dry and put away your dirty dishes?

ROSIE

No, I mean tidy away my glass I just took out the cupboard. It’s impressive really. I barely turned my back to grab the juice and you’ve been in and out and put it away before I’ve turned back. If I didn’t know any better I’d thought we’d had a dish-obsessed ghost. Really honestly, credit to ya you’re like a dish ninja.

SOPHIE

Maybe if you’d do your dishes once in a while then I wouldn’t need to.

ROSIE

Thing is Sophie, we have a dishwasher.

SOPHIE

Use it then!

ROSIE

Well, I’d love to Soph but it was your turn to empty it oh I don’t know…

Rosie pretends to check her watch.

ROSIE

(Cont.)

Well if it’s Tuesday at 4 pm today then that makes it… oh yeah five years ago!

SOPHIE

Don’t be daft. I’d notice if we had dishes missing for five years.

ROSIE

Well, you know that money-

SOPHIE

Oh my god, stop nagging I’ll get you it when I have it alright!

ROSIE

Yeah, just, that’s why you never noticed any plates missing because I had to replace them since you wouldn’t empty the dishwasher.

SOPHIE

Instead of just reminding me you bought new plates.

ROSIE

No, after weeks of reminding you, you said ‘Stop nagging!’ so I bought new plates.

SOPHIE

Instead of emptying it yourself?

ROSIE

It was your turn! And still is! 

The Killer was... - Short Story

 Me? You really think I did it? Really? He was my husband you know.

We’re questioning everyone mam. The fact you got so defensive this quickly is slightly concerning. Now, when was the last time you saw your husband?

Oh, the murder.

So it was-

Oh no, I mean when I found him. And before you get any ideas. No, it wasn’t me who called. I screamed then the maid saw what happened and called you. There. There is no way you can take that out of context.

Actually, I was going to say so it was you who caught a glimpse of the murder then?

Hhhmm, oh, yes right. And no not in the mirror.

Again, you are really making it hard to not be suspicious.

Oh, please. You were thinking it too. I just got it out the way. Please can we wrap this up?

You don’t seem too upset about your husband's death.

Of course not. I’m a gold digger.

So, you could say you have a motive.

Yes, money.

Wait, are you confessing to his-

No, no. That was my motive to marry him. Not kill him God lighten up detective. He was very old anyway. I wouldn’t get the money if I did kill him. It’s too easy to catch something like that. Too obvious.

So you did think about it?

No, It was Penny’s idea. I told her the same as I just told you. Never would work. Too risky.

And who’s Penny?

The maid's daughter. She’s got into gold-digging too.

Could Penny have done this to your husband?

God no. She’s in Sweden with her rich, old husband.

Is Penny going to kill her husband?!

No need he’s 98! He’ll be lucky to make the flight home!

So, she has lured him away to kill him by travel?

Wrong again. It was his dying wish.

I guess that’s perfectly fine then.

Not for Penny. She doesn’t know they’re going to meet his granddaughter who moved to Sweden years ago. Who, by the way, is getting left all the money.

We’ve gotten sidetracked. Do you know of anyone who would want to kill your husband?

Bill.

Who’s Bill?

He’s who I saw leave.

Wait you know who killed your husband?

I was trying to tell you but you kept asking about me and Penny. Bill is our neighbour. My husband borrowed his mower and never gave it back. He kept it so long he forgot he had it. Bill thought he was lying about not having it.

Well, that does explain why your husband was found with a lawnmower on top of him turned on.