INT - DAY - SPARE ROOM
LADY is sitting at a computer in her house filling in a form. She is
reading out return order options while scrolling through them.
LADY
OK, return item. Name? Dress. Reason for returning?
Wrong colour.
Other I guess. Please give a description of your reason.
Lady starts typing her reason while saying it out loud
LADY
Did not fit.
Sorry, reason cannot be less than 10 words.
Ok, then, The dress I bought does not fit me properly and I wish to
return it.
Sorry reason is too long.
How long can it be?
Reason must be more than 10 words but not, much more.
Lady screams in frustration.
LADY
(cont.)
Right.
Now pick a method of your return. Post Office, drop off locker, or
carrier pigeon.
Who's picking the Post Office like it's the past? Drop off locker,
thank you.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT - EVENING SAME DAY - FRONT DOOR
Some time has passed, Lady is now checking her phone by the front
door before leaving.
LADY
OK, so it says that the locker is nearly full. That should be fine.
It’s just down the road.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT - SAME EVENING - SUPERMARKET
Lady is now outside a supermarket beside the locker, it is cold and
dark. She looks at the screen, you can see a start here button.
LADY
(Reading out instructions on screen)
Press here to start your drop-off.
Lady presses but the touch icon is on the other side of the screen.
LADY
(Cont.)
Well, that's clearly broken what if I press further away?
The icon darts to a completely different part of the screen.
LADY
(cont.)
Great, that bit was sticky.
Lady starts manically pressing the screen and the touch icon darts
around never going over the button. Then she suddenly stops.
LADY
Oh, there's a help number.
Lady is now on the phone after being on hold for a while.
LADY
Yes, I know I'm number 1 in the call I have been for -
Another voice can be heard on the other end of the help line. It is
the HELPLINE OPERATOR.
HELPLINE
Sorry, what was that?
LADY
Hi, sorry no I was talking to... Um, a dog passing! Anyway, the
locker's touchscreen isn't responding properly.
HELPLINE
Aw, have you tried hitting it randomly?
LADY
Yeah, that didn't work.
HELPLINE
And your hands are covered in an unknown substance now?
LADY
Yep.
HELPLINE
Sorry but there's nothing else I can do, the support line is closing.
LADY
What?
HELPLINE
Yeah, company policy is to only help a customer for 30 seconds.
And just to let you know, you will be charged our standard rate of £10
per 30 second per customer.
LADY
Why is it that much?
HELPLINE
Beep.
LADY
Did you just say the word beep and pretend to hang up?
HELPLINE
Yeah, and that's another £10 with a total of £20. Beep.
LADY
Right, I'm hanging up then!
Lady huffs in frustration and starts looking back at the machine.
LADY
Oh look I can just scan the code!
She scans the code. On the screen.
LADY
(Reading from the screen.)
Sorry, looks like we're full.
How can it be full? I'm the only person here!
Lady pulls up her phone.
LADY
That’s it. Change delivery method. Carrier pigeon.
SKETCH END