Trying to Return an Item - Sketch

INT - DAY - SPARE ROOM

LADY is sitting at a computer in her house filling in a form. She is

reading out return order options while scrolling through them.

LADY 

OK, return item. Name? Dress. Reason for returning?

Wrong colour.

Too tall.

Too small.

Meant to buy a shoe.

Who just buys one shoe?

Meant to buy two shoes.

Wait, who buys a dress thinking it's a shoe?

Don't want shoes.

Can't read.

Drunk too much mead.

Who's drinking mead?

The orange is too orange.

It's not orange enough.

It's not even orange.

No orange.

Thought it was for a dollhouse.

Other.

Other I guess. Please give a description of your reason. 

Lady starts typing her reason while saying it out loud

LADY

 Did not fit.

Sorry, reason cannot be less than 10 words.

Ok, then, The dress I bought does not fit me properly and I wish to

return it.

Sorry reason is too long.

How long can it be?

Reason must be more than 10 words but not, much more. 

Lady screams in frustration. 

LADY

(cont.)

Right.

Now pick a method of your return. Post Office, drop off locker, or

carrier pigeon.

Who's picking the Post Office like it's the past? Drop off locker,

thank you.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT - EVENING SAME DAY - FRONT DOOR

Some time has passed, Lady is now checking her phone by the front

door before leaving.

LADY 

OK, so it says that the locker is nearly full. That should be fine.

It’s just down the road.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT - SAME EVENING - SUPERMARKET

Lady is now outside a supermarket beside the locker, it is cold and

dark. She looks at the screen, you can see a start here button.

LADY

(Reading out instructions on screen) 

Press here to start your drop-off. 

Lady presses but the touch icon is on the other side of the screen. 

LADY 

(Cont.)

Well, that's clearly broken what if I press further away? 

The icon darts to a completely different part of the screen. 

LADY

(cont.)

Great, that bit was sticky. 

Lady starts manically pressing the screen and the touch icon darts

around never going over the button. Then she suddenly stops.

LADY

Oh, there's a help number.

Lady is now on the phone after being on hold for a while.

LADY

Yes, I know I'm number 1 in the call I have been for -

Another voice can be heard on the other end of the help line. It is

the HELPLINE OPERATOR.

HELPLINE

Sorry, what was that?

LADY 

Hi, sorry no I was talking to... Um, a dog passing! Anyway, the

locker's touchscreen isn't responding properly. 

HELPLINE

Aw, have you tried hitting it randomly?

LADY

Yeah, that didn't work.

HELPLINE

And your hands are covered in an unknown substance now?

LADY

Yep.

HELPLINE

Sorry but there's nothing else I can do, the support line is closing.

LADY

What?

HELPLINE

Yeah, company policy is to only help a customer for 30 seconds.

And just to let you know, you will be charged our standard rate of £10

per 30 second per customer.

LADY

Why is it that much?

HELPLINE

Beep.

LADY

Did you just say the word beep and pretend to hang up?

HELPLINE

Yeah, and that's another £10 with a total of £20. Beep.

LADY

Right, I'm hanging up then!

Lady huffs in frustration and starts looking back at the machine. 

LADY

Oh look I can just scan the code!

 She scans the code. On the screen.

LADY

(Reading from the screen.)

Sorry, looks like we're full.

How can it be full? I'm the only person here!

Lady pulls up her phone.

LADY

That’s it. Change delivery method. Carrier pigeon.

SKETCH END