INT - DAY - SIMPLE ROOM
A simple room with two armchairs and a closed door.
Between the chairs is a serving trolley with a teapot that is covered
in an excessive amount of doilies. Beside the teapot,
is a tower of triangle sandwiches. Two women (LADY and LASSIE)
sit on either chair with teacups in their hands.
LADY
Have you heard?
LASSIE
That the bird is the word?
LADY
Oh, I guess everyone has heard.
A pause as Lady looks around bored as Lassie sips tea.
LADY
But have you heard?
LASSIE
That the-
LADY
Stop it now! Before it gets silly.
LASSIE
Fine. What is it?
LADY
Well, Malinda’s daughter.
LASSIE
The fat one?
LADY
No, the horse-faced one.
LASSIE
Oh, she was so bonnie as a child. Shame really.
LADY
It’s because she was formula-fed.
LASSIE
Ah, I see.
LADY
Anyway, she got into university.
LASSIE
Oooh. For nursing? There’s good money in that.
LADY
That’s what I said. But no. She’s doing computer game programming.
LASSIE
Oh dear. But what can you do?
LADY
I know. And the poor mother. She was clearly putting on a brave face.
Saying how proud she was.
LASSIE
Surely, they’ll teach her nursing on the side?
LADY
Noooo. That’s the thing. I said that. I says to her.
Malinda, surely they MUST teach her nursing on the side.
And guess what she says right back?
LASSIE
What?
LADY
She says, no.
LASSIE
Oh! My! Goodness!
LADY
I know and get this. She said there wouldn’t be time since it’s a
four-year course.
LASSIE
Four years! Playing video games!?
LADY
I know. And guess what?
LASSIE
What?
LADY
Malinda said. Her daughter doesn’t want to even be a nurse.
She wants to get a techy job.
LASSIE
I am at a loss.
LADY
Typical.
LASSIE
I just can’t wrap my -
Lady suddenly darts up. And starts frantically moving to the kitchen.
LADY
OH! OH! OH! OH! I almost forgot!
The kitchen door swings shut behind her. A lot of clattering can be
heard. Lady swings the door open and is now holding a massive,
metal, colander. She can barely hold it up, it’s so heavy.
LADY
Do you want this?
LASSIE
No. I have one. Buuut.
Lassie heaves up a huge handbag from down the side of her chair.
LASSIE
I’ll take it. My granddaughter might want it.
Lady hands the colander to Lassie. Lassie easily puts the huge
colander into her even bigger bag.
LADY
Does she not have one?
LASSIE
She does. She was telling me she bought one the other day.
Lady sits back down in her chair. Lassie puts her bag away and
picks up her tea.
LASSIE
That's like your daughter.
LADY
What is?
LASSIE
You know. Malinda’s daughter.
LADY
Oh you mean Betty.
LASSIE
I mean what does she think she’s doing? Going off to Australia to
“research” growing livers or some nonsense. What made-up thing did
she say she was doing again?
LADY
Tissue engineering.
LASSIE
I still don’t understand how they grow livers and other bits from
something that I blow my nose into. Is it like growing cress in
school?
LADY
No, so Betty says it’s a different kind of tissue. A special kind
that gets your DNAs from your snot and it can grow any body part
you tell it to.
LASSIE
How does she tell it which part to grow?
LADY
I don't know maths or something I suppose.
LASSIE
Really? Maths?
LADY
Yeah. I guess that's the engineering bit.
LASSIE.
And that’s the bit that has the maths!
LADY
You know she couldn’t make it to her own sister's wedding?
LASSIE
Aw, poor Jill. That’s just terrible. Awful really. What was her
excuse?
LADY
She got called out to some university in America.
LASSIE
Horrible. Could they not have gotten anyone else to do it? I mean
how often does your only sister get married?
LADY
Well, Jill has been married twice.
LASSIE
Oh yes. Well, he shouldn’t have been so mad.
LADY
She only kissed his brother after all.
LASSIE
And it was a happy ending.
LADY
Exactly, what's wrong with marrying your ex-husband’s brother anyway?
LASSIE
Honestly, she kept it in the family at least.
LADY
Anyway, apparently Betty was the only one who was “qualified” and is
“the best in her field”.
LASSIE
Could they not just move the “experiment”?
LADY
No. It was “life-saving”.
LASSIE
Speaking of her sister. How is Jill? Still working at the jam factory?
LADY
No. That closed down.
LASSIE
Oh nooooo! That has always been a job for life too. Shame what the
worlds coming to.
LADY
Good proper job too. Honest hard work.
LASSIE
What she gonna do now then?
LADY
Well.
LASSIE
Oh!
LADY
She is working -
LASSIE
Oooooh!
LADY
As a -
LASSIE
Oooooooooooooooh!
LADY
Nu-
LASSIE
Ooo-
LADY
Stop it now.
LASSIE
Sorry.
LADY
She’s a nurse at the care home.
LASSIE
That’s brilliant. Loads of money in that! What's growing bits of
people get you? Other than Frankenstein's monster.
LADY
Apparently enough to galavant around America. That's for sure.
Lassie gets up and holds her handbag by the handles.
LASSIE
Any-who. I’ll be off.
Lassie leaves dragging her massive handbag with her.
LASSIE
(Scoffing)
America.
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