Playing Kabaddi in the Jungles of India

One day when I was playing Kabaddi in the Jungles of India with a group of starfish, a giant beanstalk just sprouted out of the ground! Ooooooh so big and tall! Ooooooh! Right in the middle of where we were playing. So me and one of the starfish, Dyrek tightened our dungarees and put on our official beanstalk climbing shoes. And I know what you are thinking I bet they haven't been checked by the beanstalk climbing committee. But they have and I got the recipe to prove it. Anyway we started to climb up to the giants at the top of the beanstalk to complain to the giants about ruining our game of Kabaddi. It took three days. Three days! I know it's a giant beanstalk and all… but because Dyrek's a starfish he could only climb for two hours before he wasn't able to go on. So I had to carry him up in a papoose. But by the time we got to the top there was no giants just a pink cowboy hat. It turned out the beanstalk was the giant. We were on the giants head. He just flicked us off. Luckily we didn't break any bones or anything. Then the giant got up out of the ground and left to play tic-tac-toe with a giant made from bus tickets. And that was that.

The Art Show - Sketch

AD = Art Dealer (X2)
A = Artist
AB = Art Buyer

Both Art Dealers speak in fake, ridiculous posh accents.

AD1 and AD2 come into a very long, very white room. There are wall to wall paintings that are just white. up each side of the room there are long tables with white frilly cloths. At the end of the room there is a semi-circle stage area. At the back of the stage there is a red velvet curtain  covering up a painting. There is a microphone on the stage.

AD1

So they'll be food on the tables up here and here

(Pointing Stupidly at both sides, AD2 copies AD1'S actions.)

AD2

Ya, Ya and we'll walk up the middle.

BOTH

(Both AD start walking up towards the stage fake smiling and waving.) 

pa pa pa fu fu fu huh huh huh

AD2

 Then we'll introduce the art buyer and the artist.

AD1 

Ya Ya we'll say something like Welcome people of the art world. thank you for coming please welcome Mr. Frances and The artist herself Ms. Helen Oswald.

AD2 

Then we'll reveal the painting.

AD1 

Do you think we could have a little peek?

AD2 

I don't see why not... I mean we are paying for tonight.

AD1 

Ya it's only fair.

  (They pull back the red velvet curtain. to reveal a red painting. both AD'S gasp.) 

AD2 

(pointing)

 It is not white!

AD1

 the HORROR!

(Both AD's swoon and fall to the floor.)




 
 

What To Do When Bored...

If you're ever really bored, and find yourself wanting something to do, what you do is go outside and climb up the nearest tree. And what you do is wait for people who you don't like or if last Tuesday they stole a crisp from you or whatever, you wait for them to walk past and you  just jump down and beat them with a small branch and steal their shoes.

Just Flick em' in the Eye!

If you ever find yourself in a situation where there's a dog or a cat near you and you think you're endanger of being scratched then  just slip your socks down making them really long and flick them in the eye.  This blinds them for a bit and lets them know that you know your stuff. It works every time. Trust me

Attack of the Chavy Shrews

One day when I was flying on my giant raven called Phillip I came across a chestnut tree. And in it lived a family of shrews. I shouted at Philip "wibble snip" which meant drop me into that tree so I can see what the shrews are doing. I had to tell him in the language of the giant crow, its the only thing he understands.So Once in the tree I landed on a small shrew. And all the other shrews went mad. Totally crazy! I sat crying holding the little shrew in my hands saying " I didn't mean it I'm so sorry I didn't know!" mumbled through the sobs .  The other shrews were so angry one of them just squealed... or whatever sound it is shrews make I don't know but anyway it's head exploded! I couldn't believe it! The rest of them just ran at me like an  Indian tribe and tied me up. Then pulled out little shrew flicker knives and went to stab me up. Because they where chavy shrews. I asked can we not just talk this out? can I  get a trial or something?! luckily one of them spoke English and said in a very loud and posh sounding voice, we will deal with this at dawn tomorrow. And I thought he's very posh for a chav. And another chavy shrew  stepped foreword and said "eh I can't do dawn tomorrow I have eh a thing." and the first shrew said "that doesn't matter we don't need you." bit pointless really but anyway that night once all the little shrews went to sleep I just slid out of the ropes, whistled on Phillip and flew out of there. Because the shrews rope was really just bits of straw that had fallen into the tree one windy night.

Captian Cabinets Sketch - (based on the Captian Cabinets Crimp from The Mighty Boosh)

Captain Cabinets

Opening Titles – captain cabinets crimp.

Captain Cabinet’s stands out side the reptile room of the Zooneiverse.

Captain Cabinets: Hello, and welcome to this week’s Captain Cabinets and I, Captain Cabinets as your host as always. This week we have Mrs. Gideon, from Bob Fossil’s Zooneiverse. Let’s go and investigate shall we. 

Captain Cabinet’s walks into the reptile room to a cabinet with a snake tank on it (camera fallows) Captain Cabinet’s then crouches down to cabinet. Opens it. And begins to interview Mrs. Gideon (who is inside).

Captain Cabinets: Mrs. Gideon how did you get trapped in this cabinet?

Mrs. Gideon: well you see I was cleaning out my python and crouched down to get a rag from the back of this cabinet. I had to climb quite far back. Anyway, one of the other zookeepers came in, I can’t remember his name he is quite generic looking. I think he’s friends with Vince.

Captain Cabinets: I don’t mean to interrupt but, is Vince one of the other zookeepers here at the Zooneiverse?

Mrs. Gideon:  Yes.

Captain Cabinets: Okay, now pleases continue.

Mrs. Gideon: Well like I was saying, Vince’s friend came in, probably to leave a bag of mice for the snakes. He must not have seen me and shut the cabinet.

Captain Cabinets: Well what a story Mrs. Gideon. (Stands up and looks to camera shutting cabinet on Mrs. Gideon she says ow!) We’ll be back with Mrs. Gideon later. But for now we are going to interview general manger Bob Fossil.

(Cut to interview with Fossil)

Captain Cabinets: Now Mr. Fossil what do you have to say about this?

Fossil: God dammit Moon! You will pay for this!

Captain Cabinets: Thank you. (Turn to camera.) Now let’s go back to Mrs. Gideon for one final statement before we help her out. (Turns and crouches down to speak to Mrs. Gideon) so, Mrs Gideon what do you make of all of this?

Mrs. Gideon: well, at first I was nonplussed but now I am wondering, can I get out? Will I get out?

Captain Cabinets: Of course you will. (Reaches out there hand and pull Mrs. Gideon out.)

Captain Cabinets stands up and faces camera

Captain Cabinets: Well that has brought tonight’s episode of “Captain Cabinets”  to an end. Thank you and goodnight.

Closing titles – captain cabinets crimp.