The Coffee Shop - Sketch

 INT - MORNING - COFFEE SHOP

A classic coffee shop setting with sofas and tables. Complete with a coffee counter and a place for evening performances. A woman (LADY) approaches the counter. A man (MANNY) is waiting to serve her.

LADY

Hi, can I have a froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande, please?

MANNY

Sorry, I don’t speak French.

LADY

Let me try again, but slower.

Lady repeats the order but incredibly slowly.

LADY

A froooffffy, caaaapp-po, mooooocha, spiiiiicedddd, le frofffffeddd, latte grande please.

MANNY

Oh, I’m sorry when I said ‘ I don’t speak French. ‘ You heard I can understand French when it’s in slow motion.

LADY

I just want a froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande!

MANNY

Again, I don’t know what you are saying.

LADY

Do you speak English?

MANNY

Do you?

LADY

Manager.

MANNY

No, just the barista.

LADY

No.

MANNY

How dare you. I am.

LADY

No, as in get me the…

MANNY

I would really love to get you a coffee I just don’t know-

LADY

No! Get me the manager.

MANNY

Oh, you want the manager! Why didn’t you just say? I’ll get him.

Manny leaves to get the manager. Reappearing a few seconds later with the manager (MANAGER).

MANAGER

What’s the problem?

LADY

I just want a simple coffee. But this man won’t listen to me.

MANAGER

What is it you’d like?

LADY

A froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande. Please.

MANAGER

Sorry, I don’t speak Italian.

MANNY

No, no, that's French.

MANAGER

Is it?

A MAN off-camera can be heard.

MAN

I thought it was Portuguese!

MANNY

No, it has to be French.

MANAGER

Why’s that?

MANNY

She said ‘le.’

MANAGER

Italians say that too.

MANNY

Yeah but there's -

LADY

I’m not speaking French!

MANAGER

See, it is Italian!

LADY

I’m not speaking Italian either!

MAN

(Off-camera)

See I was right!

LADY

(scoffs)

I’m speaking English! Please just give me my coffee.

MANNY

What is your order then?

LADY

A froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande.

MANAGER

I hear it now, that does sound French.

MANNY

(Loud to the whole cafe)

Excuse me, does anyone know French?

LADY 

I’m speaking English! Just give me a coffee, any coffee will do.

MANAGER

Regular or decaf?

LADY

Regular please.

MANNY

I’ll get you that.

Manny turns to make the coffee.

MANAGER

If you’re not from here, are you from Paris then?

LADY

No, I am from here.

MANAGER

Where is that then?

Manny has brought over the coffee.

MANNY

South of France I think.

MANAGER

So, close to Italy then.

MANNY & MANAGER

Ahhhh…

LADY

Please. Just give me my coffee!

MANNY

Ok, ok, keep your beret on.

LADY

(To selfy)

I’m not French.

Manny

Here you go, mademoiselle.

LADY

Can I have it in a to-go cup, please?

MANAGER

A what?

LADY

A cup so I can take it outside.

MANNY

We have outdoor seating.

LADY

No, I mean take it with me back to -

Manager

France?

LADY

No, work.

Manny

Wait a minute. How do we know you’ll bring back the cup?

LADY

You don’t.

MANAGER

Well, if you’re this honest about stealing, then you’ll never get a coffee, not from here anyway.

LADY

No, that’s why you give me a to-go cup. They’re disposable.

MANNY

This cup is disposable.

LADY

These are different.

MANAGER

Look, I don’t know how you do it over in ‘Here’ but here we don’t just-

MANNY

I think you got something wrong there.

MANAGER

Did I?

MANNY

Yeah you said over ‘here but over here…’

MANAGER

I meant the place, Here in France. She said she was from there.

MANNY

Ah, I see! But why is it called ‘Here’?

LADY

What are you two idiots talking about?! I’m from here, as in from this town.

MANNY

Ooooh! The full name is Here, from This Town.

MANAGER

Not just Here, that makes more sense.

MANNY

Look, do you want this coffee or not?

LADY

Yes. Fine, I’ll just drink it… here at the bar.

MANAGER

At the pub next door? We can’t let you do that. They’ve stolen enough business as is.

MANNY

Plus they won’t let you take your own drinks in.

LADY

Christ! That's it. I’m Off

MANAGER

Nice to meet you!

Lady storms off. Manny waits until she’s left.

MANNY

Jees. They say not to listen to stereotypes, but she was so rude!

I Have Darkvision! - Sketch

 INT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

A group of people (TIEFLING, SORCERER, FIGHTER, DM) are sitting around a table playing DND.

DM

You enter a cave. The cave entrance is dimly lit however, deeper into the cave it is pitch dark.

TIEFLING

I have darkvision.

DM

The rest of you, how do you plan to explore the cave?

SORCERER

I cast dancing lights. And put each of the orbs in front of myself and the rest of my friends.

TIEFLING

I don’t need it since I have darkvision.

DM

Tiefling, I’ve taken note, so don’t worry about stating you have darkvision ok? As you progress into the cave, now illuminated by dancing lights…

Tiefling holds up their hand to speak. DM interrupts.

DM

And by the guidance of your darkvision. You are suddenly faced by a goblin. The goblin casts some kind of incantation. Your dancing lights disappear. What do you do now in the darkness? You hear what you presume to be the goblin scuttling off.

TIEFLING

I try to grab the goblin.

DM

Ok. Roll a perception check first.

TIEFLING

At advantage?

DM 

No, just a straight roll.

TIEFLING

But I have -

DM

Yes I know but normally it would be-

TIEFLING

Nat 20!

DM sighs in defeat.

CUT TO:

DM

You are in a forest. It is very foggy. Too foggy to see more than 5 feet in front of you.

TIEFLING

But I have-

DM

Darkvision can’t help you here. It’s fogg. Not a lack of-

TIEFLING

I cast control weather to clear up the fog.

DM is getting frustrated by this. The other players roll their eyes at Tiefling.

CUT TO:

DM

The wizard casts a spell and you are all shrouded in darkness. Your attacks will be at disadvantage.

TIEFLING 

I have darkvision. 

OTHER PLAYERS

I have darkvision.

DM

Tiefling you try to focus your darkvision aided eyes, but this is no ordinary darkness. It is magical in nature, so you can-

TIEFLING

I cast dispel magic!

DM Gets up throwing his notes everywhere.

DM

That's it! No more tieflings, elves or magic goggles. No more darkvision ever!!!

Breaking News - Sketch

 INT - DAY - NEWS STUDIO

SUPER BREAKING NEWS:

A news reporter (PETE) is sitting behind a newsroom desk.

PETE

Breaking news was announced earlier today. We take to the streets where reports of looting have taken place. Hadi, over to you.

CUT TO:

EXT - SAME DAY - LOCAL HIGH STREET

A lady (HADI) is standing in front of three people she is interviewing (MAN 1, MAN 2, LADY).

HADI

Thanks, Pete, I’m standing here with three locals who are very outraged by today's events. Sir, what do you think of the news today?

Hadi holds her mic to each person she asks.

MAN 1

Outraged I am. I canny fucking believe it. I mean who do they think they are?

HADI

How about you mam?

LADY

I mean, back in my day no-one would have even let the thought cross their head, never mind actually telling people!

HADI

And what do you three think caused it?

Hadi puts her mic in front of each person as the answer one after the other.

MAN 1

Immigration

LADY

The internet.

MAN 2

Schools!

HADI

Well, as you can see, people are beside themselves with the news. Back to you Pete.

CUT TO:

INT - SAME DAY - NEWS STUDIO

Back to Pete in the studio.

PETE

Thanks, Hadi, next we have some footage of the riots. For sensitive viewers please note this footage is very horrifying stuff.

CUT TO:

EXT - EARLIER MORNING - HIGHSTREET

Footage of the ‘riots’. People are pushing over bins and throwing rocks at coffee shop windows. One rock bounces off and hits themselves in the head knocking them down. Some coffee cups have been set on fire.

CUT TO:

INT - SAME DAY - NEWS STUDIO

Pete is behind his desk.

PETE

Wasn’t that harrowing stuff? Looks like…

Pete holds his finger up to his ear. As if listening to an earpiece.

PETE

(Cont.)

Yes, it looks like Hadi has more concerted locals and information for has. Over to you Hadi.

CUT TO:

EXT - DAY - HIGHSTREET

Hadi is outside a local shopping centre. 

HADI

Hi Pete, I am standing in front of the shopping centre and although you can’t see the riots here, I’m not quite sure the mic is picking that up. But you can hear the racket the riots are kicking up.

There is silence except for the wind. A man walks past and Hadi chases him down.

HADI

Sir, sir what do you think of the breaking news?

SIR

What news?

HADI

You haven’t heard? Oh, I am sorry to be the one to break it to you, but the stats have come in. 10% of Brits, claim to prefer coffee over tea.

SIR

Ok.

The man walks off.

HADI

(To camera)

Clearly, he’s in shock. Back to you Pete.

CUT TO:

INT - SAME DAY - NEWS STUDIO

Pete is behind his desk.

SUPER BREAKING NEWS AGAIN:

PETE

Breaking breaking news. They’ve done a recount. And it’s not true folks, Britain still loves tea more!

Pete throws his papers in the air. Cheering from the studio can be heard off-camera.