INT - MORNING - COFFEE SHOP
A classic coffee shop setting with sofas and tables. Complete with a coffee counter and a place for evening performances. A woman (LADY) approaches the counter. A man (MANNY) is waiting to serve her.
LADY
Hi, can I have a froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande, please?
MANNY
Sorry, I don’t speak French.
LADY
Let me try again, but slower.
Lady repeats the order but incredibly slowly.
LADY
A froooffffy, caaaapp-po, mooooocha, spiiiiicedddd, le frofffffeddd, latte grande please.
MANNY
Oh, I’m sorry when I said ‘ I don’t speak French. ‘ You heard I can understand French when it’s in slow motion.
LADY
I just want a froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande!
MANNY
Again, I don’t know what you are saying.
LADY
Do you speak English?
MANNY
Do you?
LADY
Manager.
MANNY
No, just the barista.
LADY
No.
MANNY
How dare you. I am.
LADY
No, as in get me the…
MANNY
I would really love to get you a coffee I just don’t know-
LADY
No! Get me the manager.
MANNY
Oh, you want the manager! Why didn’t you just say? I’ll get him.
Manny leaves to get the manager. Reappearing a few seconds later with the manager (MANAGER).
MANAGER
What’s the problem?
LADY
I just want a simple coffee. But this man won’t listen to me.
MANAGER
What is it you’d like?
LADY
A froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande. Please.
MANAGER
Sorry, I don’t speak Italian.
MANNY
No, no, that's French.
MANAGER
Is it?
A MAN off-camera can be heard.
MAN
I thought it was Portuguese!
MANNY
No, it has to be French.
MANAGER
Why’s that?
MANNY
She said ‘le.’
MANAGER
Italians say that too.
MANNY
Yeah but there's -
LADY
I’m not speaking French!
MANAGER
See, it is Italian!
LADY
I’m not speaking Italian either!
MAN
(Off-camera)
See I was right!
LADY
(scoffs)
I’m speaking English! Please just give me my coffee.
MANNY
What is your order then?
LADY
A froffy, capo, mocha, spiced, le froffed latte grande.
MANAGER
I hear it now, that does sound French.
MANNY
(Loud to the whole cafe)
Excuse me, does anyone know French?
LADY
I’m speaking English! Just give me a coffee, any coffee will do.
MANAGER
Regular or decaf?
LADY
Regular please.
MANNY
I’ll get you that.
Manny turns to make the coffee.
MANAGER
If you’re not from here, are you from Paris then?
LADY
No, I am from here.
MANAGER
Where is that then?
Manny has brought over the coffee.
MANNY
South of France I think.
MANAGER
So, close to Italy then.
MANNY & MANAGER
Ahhhh…
LADY
Please. Just give me my coffee!
MANNY
Ok, ok, keep your beret on.
LADY
(To selfy)
I’m not French.
Manny
Here you go, mademoiselle.
LADY
Can I have it in a to-go cup, please?
MANAGER
A what?
LADY
A cup so I can take it outside.
MANNY
We have outdoor seating.
LADY
No, I mean take it with me back to -
Manager
France?
LADY
No, work.
Manny
Wait a minute. How do we know you’ll bring back the cup?
LADY
You don’t.
MANAGER
Well, if you’re this honest about stealing, then you’ll never get a coffee, not from here anyway.
LADY
No, that’s why you give me a to-go cup. They’re disposable.
MANNY
This cup is disposable.
LADY
These are different.
MANAGER
Look, I don’t know how you do it over in ‘Here’ but here we don’t just-
MANNY
I think you got something wrong there.
MANAGER
Did I?
MANNY
Yeah you said over ‘here but over here…’
MANAGER
I meant the place, Here in France. She said she was from there.
MANNY
Ah, I see! But why is it called ‘Here’?
LADY
What are you two idiots talking about?! I’m from here, as in from this town.
MANNY
Ooooh! The full name is Here, from This Town.
MANAGER
Not just Here, that makes more sense.
MANNY
Look, do you want this coffee or not?
LADY
Yes. Fine, I’ll just drink it… here at the bar.
MANAGER
At the pub next door? We can’t let you do that. They’ve stolen enough business as is.
MANNY
Plus they won’t let you take your own drinks in.
LADY
Christ! That's it. I’m Off
MANAGER
Nice to meet you!
Lady storms off. Manny waits until she’s left.
MANNY
Jees. They say not to listen to stereotypes, but she was so rude!
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