Tea Towel Trouble - Sketch

 INT - DAY - SPARE ROOM 

LADY is sitting at a computer in her house filling in a form. She is reading out what's on the screen. She is trying to buy something.

LADY

Click next to purchase. Add card info. Would you like to create an account for future use? No. Payment cancelled! Why? Fine, I’ll create an account. Add to cart. Details. Yes.

Lady types as she fills in the form.

LADY

(Cont.)

Name, address, mobile, fax? Why is fax mandatory? Carrier pigeon, password. Confirm all of the above. OK, I can just copy and paste. Sorry, the data does not match. Have you just copied and… why does it matter? Wait why has everything left?! AHHH! I just want to buy a tea towel! Oh, you can always check out as guest. Let's do that then. Just to note you cannot change your address, payment method, contact info and we might just not send your parcel all while calling you names. Well, never mind that then. I’ll just fill it out again!

A montage of Lady furiously typing to dramatic music. 

LADY

Phew. That took ages! Or actually under 5 minutes but still. Next, tick here once we’ve read our… blah blah blah. Tick! Do not tick if you do not want to not have our junk mail. Errrm? I don’t want to tick? Tick if you would like to receive actual junk posted through your letterbox? Untick. Untick. Why won’t it untick? It’s a mandatory field why? It’s strictly necessary data collection. So you can track how many of our customers like junk through their door? Let me guess 100%?

The computer beeps. The website goes blank leaving an error message.

LADY

Why are you… what? The site is down for maintenance due to a data breach about our junk policy. Wait can you hear me?

The computer beeps again. The text changes.

LADY

Yes… I mean no.

Some time passes. It is darker in the room now. Lady looks frazzled.

LADY

Ok. I’ve filled my details in 3 times despite only having 2 required times. Created an account and the order is out of stock.

Claterring can be heard off-camera.

LADY

Oh, good that will be my junk mail. How would you rate your experience? 1 star I never received my item. By the time I made an account and got through checkout, my item was out of stock. Sorry, your review cannot be less than five stars long. It must not include the words: never, received, out, of or stock. If you don’t complete this review your account will be deleted and all your orders will be charged but cancelled. (beat) Review timed out.

Another clatter.

LADY

And my bonus junk for completing the survey.