Cult Recruitment 101 - Sketch

 INT - EVENING - CHURCH HALL

A man (DEAR LEADER), dressed all in grey stands in a hired church hall. He is addressing a group that is off-camera.

DEAR LEADER

OK, cult meeting number 000. Now, let’s start with some important business following last week's ‘saying goodbye to our loved ones.’ If we tell people it’s a cult they will?

A few VOICES can be heard off-camera responding at once.

VOICES

Run away.

DEAR LEADER

And?

VOICES

Phone the police. 

DEAR LEADER

Is that clear?

VOICES

Yes.

DEAR LEADER

Derek?

DEREK

I only told mi mum. She never even phoned the police. Just kicked me oot which helped with the never getting to see her again thing.

DEAR LEADER

I understand but it’s best to avoid talking about the cult. Now, tomorrow. First big recruitment day. You will be going out in pairs to different locations on the high street. Do not hang around the other pairs. People don’t trust big groups and you’ll just look like the dullest gang ever anyway. Oh and don’t give out your real name.

ONE VOICE

Sorry.

DEAR LEADER

Oh before I forget, The Twins, you’ll not be in the same pair.

Two voices of young women (THE TWINS) speak simultaneously in slow creepy voices.

THE TWINS

Yes, Dear Leader…

Yes, Dear Leader…

DEAR LEADER

It’s just too Stephen King.

THE TWINS

It’s the dresses, isn’t it Dear Leader?

It’s the dresses, isn’t it Dear Leader?

DEAR LEADER

It’s the… everything. Oh, and when you get the questionnaire back regardless of the answer you all must say ‘It reveals you need some guidance to help you on your journey to enlightenment.’ But for goodness sake at least pretend to read it first. Put those drama degrees to good use. They may have disowned you after leaving them to form a cult, but you can still try to make your parents proud. Last thing, if you do decide to provide snacks and drinks at your stalls, just don’t bring wafers and ‘Kool Aid.’ We’re a cult but not that kind of cult!