The End of the World is Nine - Sketch

 EXT - DAY - MARKET

A stall at a market with what looks like swimming equipment on display. A man (STALL OWNER)mans the stand. On the stand is a misspelt sign that reads ‘Shup fir all Needz.’

STALL OWNER

Get your end of the world gear. For all your shopping needs.

A man (BUYER) approaches the stall.

BUY

The world isn’t ending mate.

STALL OWNER

Can never be too careful. Do you really want your wee Jimmy running around without his own ‘End of the World’ snorkel when the bombs do go off?

The stall owner picks up a snorkel and shows it to the buyer.

BUYER

How does that work then?

STALL OWNER

Well, you use it just like a normal snorkel but you use it to breath out the top of the radiation clouds. Get some nice clean air.

BUYER

I don’t think that’s how any of that works. Anything else?

The stall owner runs his finger across the writing. The snorkel has ‘End of the Worm’ written on the side.

STALL OWNER

It has ‘End of the World’ written on the side.

BUYER

No it doesn’t

STALL OWNER

It does. I wrote it myself.

BUYER

No, it says ‘End of the Worm.’

STALL OWNER

That’s two for one that is. World and Worm.

BUYER

What does that even mean?

STALL OWNER

Alright, I can see that’s not enough for you. What about I throw in these ‘End of the World’ goggles?

The stall owner puts the snorkel on the desk and gets out a pair of swimming goggles. On the side they have ‘Emb of the World’ written on them

BUYER

You’ve written ‘Emb.’

STALL OWNER

Exactly, that is referring to the embers that will be left when the world has come to an end.

BUYER

Very good. What are they supposed to do then? Stop dust getting in your eyes?

STALL OWNER

That’s right sir. That plus the flames I suppose.

BUYER

And how much are you expecting for these?

STALL OWNER

Fifteen pounds each. (beat) But, I am willing to cut you a deal. I’ll give you them both for twenty-five.

BUYER

I can buy both of these for less than two pounds on the highstreet. 

STALL OWNER

Alright, I’ll give you the catapult for one hundred quid too.

BUYER

For a catapult!?

STALL OWNER

They’re normally two hundred mate!

BUYER

And where exactly is this catapult?

The stall owner points off into the distance. The buyer looks over.

STALL OWNER

You see that castle up that hill?

BUYER

Yeah?

STALL OWNER

Just on the left wall?

BUYER

Are you talking about the old siege equipment?

STALL OWNER

Now you see why it costs so much.

BUYER

You can’t sell that.

STALL OWNER

Why not? It’s mine.

BUYER

It really isn't.

STALL OWNER

I spray painted ‘End of the World’ on it in the night. It’s mine now.

BUYER

Oh, did you really? Or perhaps you wrote ‘End of the Womb’ or maybe ‘Wimb.’

STALL OWNER

Actually I wrote an acronym. ‘EotM’. How’s that for clever?

BUYER

Is that an acronym for ‘End of the Mittens?’

STALL OWNER

Oh damn. It’s ‘W,’isn’t it?

The buyer shakes his head and walks off.

STALL OWNER

Some people. Honestly.

The stall owner arranges the stock.

SKETCH END

Fake News Papers Inc. - Sketch

 1 EXT. STREET - DAY 1

A man (PAPER SELLER) in a long brown coat, is standing in front of a small newsstand. There’s a sign that says ‘FAKE NEWSPAPERS INC.’

PAPER SELLER

Fake news, get your fake news here.

Another MAN approaches the stand.

MAN

Why would anyone buy fake news?

PAPER SELLER

All the papers already print fake news, exaggerated stories, gossip and all that, why not jump to the end.

An OLD LADY approaches the stand, grabs a paper and pays.

OLD LADY

(To Man.)

I buy it because, well at least they’re honest.

The old lady leaves and exits the screen.

PAPER SELLER

See, honesty is hard to come by these days.

MAN

I guess you know your audience.

PAPER SELLER

Plus, people are more willing to spend money on knowing it’s rage bait that they can show to their friends. Rather than be baited themselves.

MAN

So what’s the difference between this and a regular paper?

(CONTINUED)

1 CONTINUED: 1

PAPER SELLER

For one thing, mines are 25p. The stories are better written but I guess pretty much the same material.

MAN

So you wait for the other papers to come out and copy them then?

The paper seller moves his hands around along with the words.

PAPER SELLER

No, my paper is printed the same day as the big papers. I just got really, really good at guessing. They always follow the same pattern you see. Big celeb does bad thing. Followed by an explanation of what really happened. A lot of the time the title has nothing to do with the story.

MAN

Do the celebs not get mad? Try to get you to stop?

PAPER SELLER

No one is coming for the man who sells joke papers for 25p.

He taps his nose to show he’s in the know.

MAN

That explains the price.

PAPER SELLER

You want one? Just you’re causing a queue.

The camera zooms out to reveal a long queue waiting and looking very annoyed.

MAN

Oh, go on then. For 25p that’s a good laugh.

The seller grabs a paper and hands it to the man.

PAPER SELLER

See, it works.

(CONTINUED)

1 CONTINUED: (2) 1

The man hands him 25p.

MAN

Ah, yeah I get it now.

SKETCH END

Who Done it? - Sketch

 1 INT. DAY - UNKNOWN LOCATION 1

A woman is standing with her back to the wall. She is leaning down to the camera. Her name is LADY.

LADY

Alright, no funny business. I know it was you. Fess up. (Pause). Not a talker huh? I can make you talk. How about a treat? What’s your poison? (Pause). Look, Junior, I know you spilled the drink. Tell mummy what happened.

The camera pans to show a little boy (JUNIOR) sitting on the stairs in his house. He shakes his head.

LADY

Don’t make me tell him.

JUNIOR

No! Don’t tell Santa, please!

LADY

I knew I could get you to talk. Now buddy, what about your sister? Sally could have done it. She was in the room with you.

JUNIOR

Sally says snitches get put on the naughty list.

LADY

Is that so? She does have something to hide. (Beat). You may leave the naughty step. Tell your sister to come here, please.

DISSOLVE TO:

2 INT. DAY CONTINUED - NAUGHTY STEP 2

Lady is standing in front of a little girl (SALLY) who is now sitting on the naughty step. She has her arms folded and she looks mad.

SALLY

I didn’t do it.

(CONTINUED)

2 CONTINUED: 2

LADY

What didn’t you do?

SALLY

Whatever he said I did. Plus whatever he says I do to him after I get off this step. 

LADY

All Junior said was he didn’t want to grass and not get Christmas presents.

Sally drops her arms. She looks less angry now. 

SALLY

Oh, what happened then? Did you see it?

LADY

Don’t play games, Sally. I know you know who spilled the drink.

SALLY

If you didn’t see who spilleded it, how do you know it was spilleded?

LADY

It’s just spilled dear. And because the carpet is wet, covered in red tissue and the cup is on its side on the table.

SALLY

I told him to pick it up while I cleaned it.

LADY

So you both were involved.

SALLY

Maybe it was the dog. Maybe her tail knocked it over. Or maybe she jumped. Like that time Auntie Helen came over and Scruffy jumped in her lap onto her dinner plate. You said “Oh my God, she never jumps” and I said “She always jumps.” then you told me to shut up and I said-

(CONTINUED)

2 CONTINUED: (2) 2

BOTH

That’s not very fair. I'm not allowed to say that!

LADY

Yep. I remember. Fine, you may leave the naughty step. Call Scruffy over for me, please.

Sally gets off the step and skips off while calling on Scruffy. After a moment a small dog runs up to Lady wagging her tail, which is covered in red juice along with her face.

LADY 

Caught red-tailed. I guess we’re giving you a bath. (Pause). Kids, we're getting takeaway for tea! 

SKETCH END.