EXT - MORNING - BUS STOP
LADY and LASSIE are entering a bus shelter.
LASSIE
Five mins early, see loads of time.
LADY
Well, you have to. Or they won’t stop.
Lady tries to sit on the bus bench. She slides on and off of it.
LADY
Why are these bus seats so sloped?
LASSIE
So homeless people don’t sleep on them.
LADY
What do they do instead?
LASSISE
Piss on them.
Lady stands up and doesn't try to sit again. A bus starts to arrive. Lady waves it down.
LASSIE
No, that's not ours.
The bus has stopped.
LADY
Ooops. Sorry wrong bus.
The bus drives off. Lassie looks at the display.
LASSIE
Ours isn’t due for four mins anyway.
Lady starts pacing back and forth. She frantically looks for the bus. A bike whizzes past.
LADY
No! Stop.
LASSIE
That was a bike. Just calm down.
LADY
How long left?
Lassie looks at the display.
LASSIE
It says delayed now.
LADY
For how long?
LASSIE
It doesn’t say.
LADY
Well, that’s no use!
LASSIE
Wait, wait it’s changing. (Beat) don’t panic, the bus isn’t showing anymore.
LADY
AAAAHHH!
LASSIE
Look we’ll be fine just look out for a number five.
Every time Lady says ‘there’ she points.
LADY
There.
LASSIE
That’s a house.
LADY
There.
LASSIE
That’s a graffitied phone number with a five in it.
LADY
Well, maybe we can call that.
LASSIE
I don’t think we want to call Big John for a good time.
LADY
You said ‘Look for a five’. I was just trying to help.
LASSIE
I meant a number five bus!
LADY
OOOH! A bus. Right, I’m with you now.
LASSIE
Just stop freaking out and just wait.
LADY
Right. Im calm. I’m calm. I’m - Oh no! Oh God!
LASSIE
What?
LADY
The door! Did I lock the door?
LASSIE
Yes. of course you did.
LADY
What about the cat?
LASSIE
We’re only going down the road, the cat- wait what cat?
LADY
Oh, yeah I don’t have a cat never mind.
Lassie glares at Lady.
LADY
I have an idea. Why don’t you sing me a song?
LASSIE
No. I’m not signing to you.
LADY
What about a story?
LASSIE
No.
LADY
Oh, come on I’m always telling you the gossip. Plus it’ll help take my mind off it.
LASSIE
Fine. Uhhh… once upon a time there were some trousers. Wait that’s not mine. Oh, forget it. I’m not doing it. Let’s just sit quietly and wait.
A beat before Lady whistles.
LASSIE
No. Not that.
Lady pouts. Then starts drumming lightly on her knees. She gets carried away and ends up fully air drumming while making drum noises with her mouth. Lassie rips the metal bus timetable off the shelter and smacks Lady in the face with it. Then she chucks it to the ground. Lady holds her face in her hand in pain.
LASSIE
I suggest we both just sit here in silence until the bus arrives.
Lady mimes covering the drums and putting the sticks away in her pocket. Lady waits a few seconds before turning to talk. Lassie holds up a finger.
LASSIE
Not yet.
Lady goes to speak again.
LASSIE
No. The board hasn’t updated.
Lady doesn’t have time to open her mouth this time.
LASSIE
And no. I’m not playing eye spy with you.
Lady goes into her bag and starts opening a hard-boiled sweet.
LASSIE
Can I have one?
Lady ignores her and keeps opening the sweet.
LASSIE
Lady?
Lady puts her finger to her lips
LASSIE
Right!
Lassie starts trying to grab the sweet. Lady slaps her away. They end up in a slap fight before the sweet gets slapped out of Lady’s hand. It lands on the floor with with paper off.
CUT TO:
EXT - EVENING - BUS STOP
Lady and Lassie are still waiting on the bus.
LADY
I don’t think it’s gonna come.
LASSIE
No. Let’s go home.
Lady and Lassie leave the shot. Just as they do. A bus arrives. It’s a number five.
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