Spinal News - Sketch

 INT - INTERVIEW ON TV - EVENING

The scene is of an interview on an old static TV. On the TV are four band members (RODNEY, DALE, KENNY, JIMMY) and an INTERVIEWER. The interviewer is sitting opposite the band, who is sitting on a couch. The interviewer is wearing formal attire. The band are in various rock outfits from glam rock to punk.

For most of the interview, Kenny is staring off into space and occasionally drooling.

INTERVIEWER

Welcome, today I am joined by Spinal News, the newest and hottest band in the UK at the moment. So boys, who inspires you?

RODNEY

Uh well, there’s Spinal Tap.

JIMMY

And uhh, Bad News.

DALE

Yeah, them too. See we got our name from the uhh... Spinal part of Spinal Tap and the News part from Bad News, ya see.

JIMMY

Well, that was fucking obvious Dale.

INTERVIEWER

You know they aren’t really real bands, right?

RODNEY

Clearly, someone hasn’t watched their docs.

The band all laugh mockingly together.

INTERVIEWER

Those are television comedy programmes son.

JIMMY

If those aren't really docs then answer me this. When I say the song Bohemian Rhapsody you think of?

INTERVIEWER

Queen.

JIMMY

Exact- wait no, Bad News.

RODNEY

Yeah stupid. The queen never wrote any music.

DALE

Oh, maybe she means ‘God Save the Queen’?

JIMMY

Don’t be daft. That's the Pistols.

RODNEY

Maybe the queen did a cover.

DALE

Oh, she did! I’ve heard it. Pure rubbish! Really slow and boring. An’ she’s changed at least half the words.

INTERVIEWER

Ok, moving on.

RODNEY

Hold on. Sorry to interrupt, truly am. But lads, you know Spinal Tap? 

DALE & JIMMY

Yeah.

RODNEY

Why’d they say ‘Turn it up to 11.’ When amps only go to 10?

JIMMY

Maybe they have special amps.

RODNEY

We should get some of them. Maybe that would fix our sound.

DALE

Nah, think of the cost. Custom amps.

RODNEY

Yeah, I don’t know how we’d be able to commission amps then nick ‘em. 

DALE

Plus there’s probably a copyright.

RODNEY

(To interviewer)

That’s why we were in legal trouble, you see, for copyright.

INTERVIEWER

Okaaay, back on track sorta. Please go on.

RODNEY

We wrote what we thought was an original song but turned out to be a Bad News cover. We thought it would be fine so long as we put ‘Bad News Cover’ on the album. But our manager said best to just drop the number.

INTERVIEWER

I’m guessing that had something to do with Queen's involvement?

DALE

Why are you obsessed with the queen?

JIMMY

Oh shut it, Dale.

RODNEY

Yeah, don’t be a twat.

INTERVIEWER

Dale, question for you.

JIMMY

Don’t bother with him.

RODNEY

Yeah, ask us the questions he’d just mess them up.

INTERVIEWER

Ok, why are you all so mean to Dale?

JIMMY

Think it was Rodney’s idea, wasn’t it?

Rodney hits Jimmy on the back of the head.

RODNEY

Shut it, Jimmy. Don’t be daft. Dale, tell ‘em.

DALE

The guys said there’s always one in the band they all pick on and the fans hate so they picked me.

INTERVIEWER

Why’s that?

DALE

Because I’m such a specky twat.

INTERVIEWER

But you don’t even wear glasses.

JIMMY

Something to say though innit?

Kenny sucks up the drool very suddenly. He is holding a tube of glue.

INTERVIEWER

You alright Kenny? Not said… well anything really.

KENNY

Uhhh.

Rodney nudges him.

KENNY

Oh me. Well, the group has to have someone who does drugs. So since Dale is a specky idiot his role was already... Uuh..

Kenny drools and glazes over.

INTERVIEWER

Filled?

Kenny sucks up the drool again. Suddenly turns his head to the interviewer. 

KENNY

Yeah. That's the one. Anyway, that left me to do drugs. I chose sniffing glue because it has the… em…

The others nudge him again.

KENNY

Oh yeah, it doesn’t affect your head thinking as much.

Kenny starts to drool again before dozing off.

RODNEY

At first, we thought it would give us an edge. But really it’s just made it hard to rehearse or tour or record or do anything really.

JIMMY

I’m so bored Rodney!

RODNEY

Yeah, let's trash it!

Rodney shoves Dale into the glass table. Jimmy picks up Kenny and starts kicking random things, Rodeny flips the couch and keeps trashing the place. Dale is unconscious on the table. The interviewer just is looking at his note, frantically looking for what to do.

The camera zooms out to show the old static TV with the trashing still playing.

END OF SKETCH