INT - SIMPLE ROOM - DAY
A simple room with two armchairs and a closed door. In one of the chairs, Lassie is sitting. The closed-door swings open as Lady rushes out with a trolley. On the trolly is a teapot and a mountain of sandwiches. Lady spins the trolly around as if she’s taking a corner in F1. The trolly tips over covering everyone in tea and sandwiches fly everywhere.
CUT TO:
INT - SIMPLE ROOM - DAY CONTINUED
Lady and Lassie are sitting in the armchairs. They are in the same clothes as before, but Lassie’s clothes have shrunk and Lady’s clothes have pink sock shape marks all over. They both are wearing rubber gloves.
There is a mop and bucket spilt beside the spilt trolly and tea. Sandwiches are now cleaned up, however.
LASSIE
We never should have put the dryer on such high a heat.
LADY
I just want to know where on earth that sock came from. (beat) I mean neither of us even owns socks!
Lassie puts her hand down the side of the armchair and pulls out a sandwich. She shrugs her shoulders before eating it.
LADY
You’ll never guess what my granddaughter wants for Christma.
LASSIE
Ooooh what?
LADY
A video game.
LASSIE
Oh, dear.
LADY
So violent.
LASSIE
I bet.
LADY
Her mother says it’s not. But I just know it will be.
LASSIE
What sort of thing is it?
LADY
Well, apparently you run around fishing and doing tasks for animals.
LASSIE
Oh, well. Educational at least. Teaches you about animal husbandry.
LADY
That’s what I thought at first. But, no. The animals are anna-mimor-phic. Or however, you say it.
LASSIE
Anthi-purr-moric I think? (beat) Anyway, that’s not very realistic at all. At the very least these violent video games could do is be educational.
LADY
Yeah like if you get shivved.
Lady mimics a stabbing motion. She is very enthusiastic.
LADY
(Con’t)
You could learn how to apply first aid.
LASSIE
Has it got the online bits? Because she could be talking to anyone.
LADY
I know. I saw on the box it does. And there is this old man who plays as a turtle. He gives you prizes if you bring him things.
LASSIE
Well, that just teaches them to trust strangers and to take their candy!
LADY
Terrible.
LASSIE
Just awful.
LADY.
I don't know why she can’t just read a nice wholesome book. Speaking of, have you seen the latest book I’m reading?
Lady lifts up, from the side of the armchair a book bigger than her head, to her face. She opens it out. The front cover reads: ‘The Big Bloody Murder Mystery: Done Using a Shiv.’
LASSIE
Where did you get that?
LADY
Special order from the internets. I got it in double xxxxxxl font. No eye person is gonna tell me I need glasses.
Lady puts the book on her lap.
LASSIE
I didn’t know you got people who are eyes. Are they new?
LADY
Don’t be stupid Lassie. They’re opticians.
LASSIE
How much did that cost you?
LADY
Two pounds fifty-five. Guess how much that violent game cost?
LASSIE
Oh, they are expensive uhhhm. Let me think. Click, click, click click. Uuuuhh. Don’t rush me errrm.
Lady picks up the book and hits Lassie over the head with it a few times before putting it back down.
LADY
Hurry. Up.
LASSIE
Alright! Twenty pounds?
LADY
Fifty quid!
LASSIE
Fifty quid!?
LADY
Fifty quid for paedophile animals.
SKETCH END
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