Witches and Bitches - Sketch

 EXT - WOODS - NIGHT

BABA YAGA and BLACK ANNIS are carrying a very drunk LILITH. Baba has blood all over her.

LILITH

Hubble, bubble toil and…

Lilith hiccups.

BABA YAGA

Lilith, you know what the Blood of Christ does to you. Why did you go back for more?

LILITH

Becaaauuuse, Babi it’s funny. Watching all those churchgoers see the Bride of Satan absolutely smashed!

BABA YAGA

It won’t be so funny tomorrow when you get my dry cleaning bill.

LILITH

Look, Babs, what did you expect? Of course, I was gonna projectile vom all the blood.

BABA YAGA

Yes. But could you have aimed better?

LILITH

What do you mean?

Lilith hiccups.

LILITH

(Cont.)

I think you’ll find, I hit my target.

BLACK ANNIS

You were meant to scare them enough to run off without their offspring.

BABA YAGA

I know. I’m starved! Not even any leftover Body of Mr Died for Our Sins.

BLACK ANNIS

Baba, you have a gluten intolerance.

BABA YAGA

I don’t remember him being that yeasty when he was alive.

Lilith hiccups.

BLACK ANNIS

Got something it add ruler of the underworld?

LILITH

You two are so dumb! It’s not his actual body, just bread that's blessed!

Black Annis rubs her neck.

BLACK ANNIS

Just being in that church made me sore. Don’t know how you two managed.

LILITH

I just ended up showing my true… what’s it? Thing with magic and hooves?

BLACK ANNIS

Form.

Lilith hiccups.

BABA YAGA

I can do churches. It’s water I can’t do. Makes me sneeze. Oh, and I drown and end up back home all soggy. That would have been great tonight. I feel my familiar getting antsy.

BLACK ANNIS

We’re almost at the portal.

BABA YAGA

Who’s idea was it to go to a church tonight anyway?

LILITH

Wooo witches and bitches night out! Church baby!!!

BLACK ANNIS

Take a guess.

LILITH

High-five bitches!

Lilith tries to high-five but ends up slapping Baba Yaga in the face. Baba Yaga drops her.

BABA YAGA

That’s it. See ya!

BLACK ANNIS

Baba, we’re at the portal.

Under Lilith, the ground glows. Sigils are drawn.

BABA YAGA

Fine, I’ll do the spell. Oh, Lord Satan, please, please take your ehh.. beautiful mess of a bride. You're most unholy.

Satan's voice can be heard from the portal. It is deep and booming.

SATAN

HOW DRUNK IS SHE?

BLACK ANNIS

Well…

SATAN

CAN SHE STAY WITH YOU GUYS?

BABA YAGA

Absolutely not!

BLACK ANNIS

Don’t argue with Satan, Baba.

BABA YAGA

I am not flying home with her on my broom!

SATAN

WORTH A SHOT. NEVERMIND GIRLS. I CAN TAKE HER.

Lilith starts to melt into the portal

LILITH

Honey, I’m ho-

Lilith hiccups before disappearing.