INT - DAY - TV STUDIO
LADY and LASSIE are sitting at a long desk being interviewed by a news anchor. The ANCHOR is a man in a suit. Behind them is a big screen. It currently has the channel's name with a small animation on it.
Lady and Lassie are pulling faces and waving as the anchor talks
ANCHOR
Good morning ladies and gentlemen we are live with two lovely ladies who were at yesterday's disaster of an event. So ladies tell us about it.
Lassie is staring and smiling at the camera.
LADY
Hi, so uhm we went to see the shit zoo.
ANCHOR
Woah! No, no we can’t say that we’re on live TV.
LADY
(To Lassie)
It’s a type of dog innit?
LASSIE
I thought he was more of a Jack Russel.
ANCHOR
Oh, you’re talking about the dog they dressed as a goat?
LADY
That’s what I said.
ANCHOR
Can you tell us more about what happened?
LADY
Well, the prices for a start. Thirty pounds for one adult.
LASSIE
Twenty-five for a kiddies.
LADY
And the family package.
LASSIE
Oh, the family package.
LADY
I’ll tell it. I’ll tell it. It was one hundred and thirty pounds! Which was for two adults and one kiddo.
LASSIE
Which if you do the math…
ANCHOR
Is?
LASSIE
Oh, no could you do the math?
ANCHOR
Oh, uh more expensive than individual tickets.
LADY
By how much?
ANCHOR
Oh, you want the number.
LASSIE
That’s why we’re here.
ANCHOR
Oh, about forty-five pounds.
LADY
Thank you! We can go now.
LASSIE
I was closest.
Lady and Lassie both get up to leave.
ANCHOR
Oh, no no, ladies. Please stay and tell us more about what happened.
They pause then sit back down reluctantly.
LADY
I suppose.
LASSIE
It does make more sense to have us here to show those pictures.
ANCHOR
Thank you. Before we move on to pictures, can you tell me more about what you experienced?
LADY
Discrimination!
LASSIE
They made us feel unheard!
ANCHOR
Wow, please tell us more.
LADY and LASSIE
There were no pensioners discounts.
ANCHOR
Right, erm moving on. What animals did you find?
LADY
Like we said, there was this wee doggy with horns tied on.
LASSIE
And a cat. They claimed it was a Scottish wildcat but it was clearly just a black house cat.
LADY
The petting zoo.
LASSIE
It was just two small, common garden snails.
ANCHOR
Can you even pet snails?
LADY
Not without poking them in the eye.
LASSIE
So cruel.
LADY
The so-called cafe, tell ‘em about that.
LASSIE
Oh, the cafe. Yes, it was ten pounds each for a bit of bread with butter on it and a quarter of a paper cup, of tea.
LADY
We had brought half a sandwich each but they said we couldn’t bring our own food in!
LASSIE
And I say cafe but really it was a camp table with a bit of tarp draped over it.
LADY
And no pensioner discount!
LASSIE
And no loos.
ANCHOR
That sounds like an awful experience. I believe we have some pictures to show truly how terrible it was.
Images appear on the screen behind them instead of the logo. They all look over to watch. Lady and Lassie are surprised by the technology.
The first image is them taking a selfie with the dog made to look like a goat. The next is them with the house cat. It is sitting on Lassie’s knee asleep. Then it’s them standing near the cafe with their paper cups and bread. The next is a seagull flying in their face to steal the bread. Next is a spilt tea and Lady looking sad. The final one of Lassie behind the cafe tarp. She is squatting over her cup trying to pee. The logo animation quickly replaces the picture.
The anchor man looks panicked and Lady and Lassie are trying to un mic themselves and leave. They get tangled up in cables as they do so.
ANCHOR
Well, we can’t show that. Sorry folks and, well they are just... cut to an ad. Quickly.
As the screen goes black a crash sound and electrics are heard.
LADY and LASSIE
We’re alright.
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