A Chef’s Nightmare: The Bleeps Only - Sketch

 1 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 1

A CHEF is standing behind a counter. A clapperboard is brought in front of the camera. A VOICE is heard off camera.

 VOICE

The Easy Cooking Show. Scene one take one.

The clapperboard is clapped and it leaves the frame.

CHEF

Hello and welcome to The Easy Cooking Show where we teach you just how easy it is to cook! First let’s get out our chippy boards and-

Off camera we hear some muffled words.

CHEF

I said chippy board? Really alright let’s do that again.

CUT TO:

2 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 2

Same scene as before but the chef is walking towards the counter he trips and falls with his arms flailing. He is now behind the counter. We can’t see him for a moment before he slumps up onto the counter laughing.

CHEF

It’s going to be one of those shoots today I think. Sorry, everyone.

CUT TO:

3 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 3

A close up of the counter the chef's hand is lying flat with his fingers spread out.

CHEF

Look how good I am with the knife though.

3 CONTINUED: 3

He has a big sharp knife in his other hand. And starts playing the knife game except he hits each of his fingers repeatedly before noticing the blood.

CHEF

Shit…

CUT TO:

4 INT. DAY - KITCHEN 4

The chef is at the counter. All his fingers on one hand have blue plasters on them. He has a clean knife, a carrot and chopping board ready. He looks a little dishevelled.

CHEF

Now, chop the carrot nice and fine.

The chef starts to very quickly cut the carrot.

CHEF

Don’t worry if you aren’t as fast as me. I've been training for so many years. Just take your time and-

He has reached the end of the carrot and chops off his finger. Blood fountains up into his face covering his eyes. He drops the knife on the counter.

CHEF

My eyes! It’s in my eyes! What even is that?!

The chef wipes the blood from his eyes and looks at his finger for the first time. It is still spouting blood. The chef goes completely white before fainting behind the counter.

CUT TO:

5 INT. DAY - KITCHEN 5

The chef is standing at the counter. He is very pale and leaning on the counter for support. His white chef's coat is covered in old blood. His hands have the same plasters as before but a stump from his missing finger which has blue plasters that are soaked in blood all over it.

5 CONTINUED: 5

CHEF

And that, everyone, is how to make coleslaw.

Paramedics start coming in and assessing him.

CHEF

(cont)

Hope you enjoyed. See you next week where we make toast. Goodbye.

The chef is a little bit sick and he waves at the camera.

SKETCH END

The Punks of Women's Suffrage - Sketch

 INT - EVENING - SMALL EVENT HALL

It is 1897. Two women are sitting around a table. The first woman is MILLICENT FAWCETT. The second is a SUFFRAGIST MEMBER.

MILLICENT FAWCETT

Welcome to the tenth meeting of the Suffragists. Let's give ourselves a round of applause.

They both gently clap for a few seconds.

MILLICENT FAWCETT

It seems our newest member is running a little late. Nevermind let’s crack on. (Pause) What shall we do next?

SUFFRAGIST MEMBER

Well, we could do  another march?

MILLICENT FAWCETT

Oh I do love a good march. What of flyers? We could hand some-

A woman (CHRISTABEL PANKHURST) burst into the room. She is covered in soot.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

I planted a bomb!

The Suffragist member gasps before fainting.

MILLICENT FAWSETT

What on earth possessed you, child?

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

I should say it was my mothers idea. She thought it would get people's attention. Let them all know how serious we are.

CUT TO:

EXT - DAY - LONDON STREET

THE SUFFRAGISTS are marching holding signs that say ‘Votes for Women’ on them. They hand out flyers to passers by. They all chant ‘Votes for Women’ a MAN walking past hands them some change.

MAN

Get yourself a tea on me.

CUT TO:

EXT - DAY - MEN’S GOLF CLUB

On top of a hill that overlooks the golf club we see CHIRSTABEL PANKHURST and her Mother (EMMELINE PANKHURST)sitting beside a bucket of hatchets. The hatchets have little tags on them in Suffragette’s colours that say ‘Votes for Women’. Christabel has binoculars on her lap. She picks them up and looks through them. We get her P.O.V. It is of TWO MEN one of which is getting ready to putt.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

FOUR!

A hatchet swings towards the men narrowly missing them both.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

Damn. Here you try.

The binoculars are passed to Emmeline. We now get here P.O.V it is very similar just from a slightly different angle. Emmeline takes a deep breath before we see the hatchet fly again. This time hitting the man in the back. He falls down onto his face.

EMMELINE PANKHURST

Hole in one!

SKETCH END 

The so Called "Great King" - Sketch

 EXT - DAY - CLIFF EDINBURGH

A woman (NARRATOR) is walking aimlessly near a cliff edge towards a camera. She is dressed smartly. As she walks she narrowly misses slipping off the cliff with each step.

NARRATOR

We are currently at the site where King Alexander eye, eye, eye or to his pals Alexander the Great died. (Pause) It was around here that it is thought that his horse flung him down this very cliff. Many histories say that he, the king not the horse, was so incredibly horny he could not wait one more night to see his wife while the thick fog cleared. (Pause) At least for his widow it is safe that there was no other wench for him. (Pause) Across Edinburgh that is. 

The wind picks up causing her hair to fly around crazily and smacking her in the face. She just continues on walking dangerously close to the cliff edge while following the camera.

NARRATOR

(Cont.)

It is believed that several of his pals told him something along the lines of ‘Aye, we’re all up fir a gid time and a belther but that’s naw taps aff weather pal.” to which the Great King replied ‘Lads. Lads. Lads” Before riding off into the dark, foggy streets of Edinburgh for a quick shag.

Narrator steps off the cliff and tumbles violently down it for a while before landing at the bottom on her butt. She is covered in blood and scratches. Her leg is facing the wrong way and she can’t hold up one of her arms. She sits up right and looks at the camera.

NARRATOR

Wow, there's a camera down here. That’s good ain’t it? (Pause) It is argued amongst historians that the King simply did not have an hair to the throne and that is why he had to rush back. But surely that could have waited. I mean the seat would be warm enough. I don’t see why a wig would help. It would be itchy more than anything. Anyway, it is at this point we feel it’s important to point out the irony of the so Called ‘Great Kings’ untimely death. (Pause) We did originally think it was pretty obvious but our producer Tim pointed out that anyone watching this can’t find the remote and is too drunk to care.

Narrator looks back up the cliff.

NARRATOR

It’s fucking windy up there like. I hope my hair got blown about enough. (Pause) Suppose I’d better find a way back up. (Pause) Tim? You there?

SKETCH END

Indecision Will be Your Death - Sketch

 INT - NIGHT - BASEMENT

A WOMAN is tied up in a basement. She has tape covering her mouth. The KILLER looms over her holding pliers.

KILLER

First I’m going to pull out your finger nails with pliers. (pause) Or actually how about bamboo. That’s all the rage in Asia right? (pause) Oh no. Is, is that appropriation maybe? (pause) Hmmm what to do, what to (pause) I know! I’ll remove your scalp with…

The killer looks around the basement for something to use.

KILLER

(Cont.)

Oh damn I only have dirty potato peelers. I guess that doesn’t really matter. (pause) Actually, infection while you slowly bleed to death is good.

The killer looks around for a while before picking up a rusty hatchet.

KILLER

There’s this! What do you think?

WOMAN

(Muffled)

No. No! Please!

KILLER

That’s right I did decide to go for tape in the end. Never mind. Oh! How about I sing all creepy like while I drag this down your face. That would  be fun. Maybe a nursery rhyme or-

A loud banging can be heard from the basement door.

KILLER

Guests? I didn’t invite anyone. I’m not dumb.

The killer drops the axe. The banging gets louder and louder.

KILLER

Don’t want to look suspicious now. Maybe I’ll go see or we could just-

The door gets knocked off its hinges. The police rush in.

KILLER

Uh-oh, I’ll run, or grab the axe or-

The killer is pinned to the ground by the police.

KILLER

Oh, you guys are fast. I knew I’d regret not taking that deal with that witch doctor. I could be doves right now.

SKETCH END

Gossip Never Changes - Sketch

 Note: This sketch shows the difference between rich vs poor gossip in the past. Both the rich and poor characters will be played by the same actors.

INT - DAY - PARLOUR

Three women (LADY PENNY, LADY MELLY, LADY ELIZABETH) dressed in fancy gowns are standing at a party in a palace. They are fanning themselves as they speak. They use the fans to cover their mouths.

LADY PENNY

Did you hear about Lady Witherness? She fainted at Duke Eslington’s soiree.

LADY MELLY

I heard she couldn’t handle the tightness of her corset.

LADY ELIZABETH

Oh, pish posh. I broke a rib last week at the prince’s ball. Did I so much as grumble? No. I danced with the prince all eve.

LADY PENNY

And who is it who will be the next royal concubine? Is it Lady Witherness?

LADY MELLY

I thought it was you, Lady Elizabeth.

LADY ELIZABETH

That’s her point Lady Melly.

LADY MELLY

Right.

LADY PENNY

Well, I heard she faked it. Her father wanted her to marry an eight-two year old.

LADY ELIZABETH

Oh, men at that age wouldn’t not take a fainter.

LADY PENNY

Exactly.

LADY MELLY

She should count herself lucky. My Harold is reaching one hundred this year.

CUT TO:

INT - DAY - SMALL KITCHEN

Three maids are on the floor scrubbing away. They are PEN, MEL and ELLY.

PEN

Mary died.

MEL

Really?

ELLY

I thought she just had a cough.

MEL

It’ll be a cold won’t it?

PEN

Yeah, but her husband is looking for a promotion at the mill.

ELLY

The only way to get that is to marry the boss's daughter isn’t it?

MEL

Ah, so murder then?

PEN

Smothered most likely.

ELLY

Poor girl. She was a fine whore.

MEL

She managed to avoid that killer too.

PEN

How old is the daughter anyway?

MEL

Sixteen.

ELLY

Not too bad, I’d had two children with Bill by then.

PEN

Was that after his last wife suspiciously choked from one of your scones?

ELLY

And I've never made them as dry since.

SKETCH END

Competition - Sketch

 INT - DAY - COFFEE SHOP

Two women (LADY and MISSUS) are sitting at a table.

LADY

So, how are things? It’s been aaaagggees!

MISSUS

Alright, how are you?

LADY

Terrible.

MISSUS

Same. (Beat) I mean… shame. What happened?

LADY

First of all, I was late to work the other morning.

MISSUS

By how much?

LADY

Oh, five… maybe ten minutes.

MISSUS

Oh, that’s nothing. The other week I was about an hour late.

LADY

Yeah, well the other month I didn't even show up one Monday. (Beat) Oh! Oh! And I got fired.

MISSUS

Oh… well my car broke down. (Beat) On the way here.

LADY

How awful. It’s almost as bad as when my car got stolen. (Beat) Uhm… with me still in it.

MISSUS

How did that happen?

LADY

I was napping in the back because I had such a hard day at work. Then, smash goes the window, in jumps the thief and off went the car. Then when he stopped and got out to flog it I jumped in the front seat and drove home.

MISSUS

So you got it back then.

LADY

He shot at me.

Lady is starting to tear up as she remembers. 

MISSUS

So, they missed. Not as bad then.

LADY

Police are still watching my house in case they come back.

MISSUS

But, you’re fine.

LADY

I’m still in therapy actually.

MISSUS

Yeah, well I broke my leg!

LADY

When?

MISSUS

Now!

Missus stands up and snaps her leg. She looks at Lady and screams in pain. Lady looks at Missus’s leg and screams in horror.

LADY

Why did you do that!?

MISSUS

I had to win!

LADY

Why didn’t you make something up? I did!

MISSUS

What…?

Missus faints from the pain.

SKETCH END