The Worst Interview! - Sketch

INT – DAY – INTERVIEW ROOM

TWO CHAIRS and ACTOR sat in one and INTERVIEWER with a notebook on the other. Both sit fidgeting and staring at each other.

ACTOR

Sorry, but when will we start?

INTERVIEWER

I think you start… don’t you?

ACTOR

Well, if that’s the format. Uuuuhh… red?

INTERVIEWER

Red?

ACTOR

Yes. The answer to what’s my favourite colour.

INTERVIEWER

But no-one asked… shouldn’t you ask me questions.

ACTOR

You’re interviewing me!

INTERVIEWER

Oh! That explains why I have questions on this.

The interviewer holds up his notebook before looking over the questions.

INTERVIEWER

Da-da-da-da let’s see… uuuuhhh…

ACTOR

Maybe just start from the first one?

INTERVIEWER

So smart! All at once? I don’t think I have that many voices. But lets give it ago… when, where, why, how old, what time-

ACTOR

No, just one after the other.

INTERVIEWER

OK. When did you first hear about the movie? How old where you when you started acting? Where were you when they offered-

ACTOR

Stop! Is this your first day? Ask the question then let me answer.

INTERVIEWER

OK. When did you hear you got the part?

ACTOR

Just a few months before-

INTERVIEWER

How old were you when-

ACTOR

Seriously? Is there anyone else?

INTERVIEWER

That’s a loaded question. I mean how real is anyone? Is there really other people or fragments of someone’s imagination or a dream?

The actor storms off.

INTERVIEWER

(Cont’)

And don’t even get me started on the theory of relativity because I’m not sure what it is. Theory yes? Of? Yes. Relativity? No. But what I will tell you is this…

FADE OUT

SKETCH END

Party Planners - Sketch

Party

STAFF 1: Do you have a party to plan but no time to do it in? Have no fear, the party planning committee is here!

F/X Star wipe.

STAFF 1: Why choose us? You mean other than being amazing at organisation? Well, don’t just listen to me… listen to the rest of the staff!

F/X Chimes

STAFF 2: We’ve got access to all the craft supply stores.

STAFF 3: And I’ve got a printer!

STAFF 2: Oh! My mum can knit!

STAFF 2’s MUM: What was my line again?

Staff 2: Thaaaat’s right!

STAFF 2’ MUM: What’s right?

STAFF 2: Mum!

STAFF 2’S MUM: Correct. Mother is always right!

STAFF 1: Don’t just take it from us, have a listen to what our customers have to say.

CUSTOMER: I uh… forgot my husband birthday. His 70^th. So I called up on my mobile… the one my daughter bought me. Then they phoned everyone in my contacts to come a day later for a fake surprise party. Everyone was busy except for his mum… and uh… then they never told me when to show up so I missed the whole thing. I was hiding at our local for two days. They declared me missing at one point! A nice police officer brought me home… but my husband did love his knitted beer cosy.

STAFF 1: Edit that bit short. Cut out the rambling and leave in the complements. (Beat) And obviously, remove this part too.

STAFF 2: You’re the editor remember?

STAFF 1: Oh right. Yeah... well... remind me later then, I’ve got to go. Bye!

F/X Door shuts.

STAFF 2: I’m not your P.A. sooo that won’t be getting done.

F/X Static

STAFF 1: So why wait? If it’s a brunch for the bride to be or a dinner party for your neighbours cat, what ever it is we have got you covered!

END

Junky Watch - Sketch

 

INT. SPARE ROOM- DAY

F/X Bin clattering. Birds chirping and flying away.

NARRATOR: We are sitting by the window in my spare room. This is because we want the best advantage when observing the mating pair. Not only this, but we can stay camouflaged as to not disturb them. (Beat) Lets Listen.

MAN: Oi! You! I know You! Don’t ignore me!

WOMAN: Leave it… stop it.

NARRATOR: Notice how the female holds the male back. This behaviour is very common in a pair of junkies, such as these.

F/X Hedge rustle.

NARRATOR (Cont.): Oh, it seems they have both stumbled into my garden hedge. Meaning, I can no longer observe them. To get a better look I’ll have to go closer to the window but as I already know... this can be very risky, so I have brought washing for me to pretend to put away. It is key here I do not get caught out as junkies are prone to quickly divert their anger to the nearest person or object.

MAN: Oi! You ow me money! Don’t you ignore me mate.

WOMAN: Just leave it. Come on it’s not even him.

NARRATOR: Ah, I see better now. The male has mistaken a lamppost as someone he believes owes him money. The female, although non the wiser to this mistake as she too, is pretty out of it, is trying to pull the male back the other way to avoid any trouble.

F/X Metal clang.

MAN: AAAH!

NARRATOR: The male let the anger get the best of him and in a display of rage he has headbutted the lamppost. He now stands doubled over and is breathing heavily.

F/X Retching from the MAN.

WOMAN: Look what you’ve done now! Lets go!

NARRATOR: As the male is suddenly sick the female currently trying to drag the male away once again. However… oh dear-

F/X Squelch.

NARRATOR: So, the male has now lost consciousness and landed face first into his own vomit.

WOMAN: That’s it I’m going.

NARRATOR: And with that the female leaves and the mating ritual is complete. Only time will tell if it was a success. Usually, within 9 months time. Or perhaps I’ll see the female leaving Planned Parenthood in a couple of weeks. (Beat) I do hope Steve next door calls someone to deal with the male so I can pour water on the vomit later on. (Beat) And with that viewers, I say goodbye and thank you for tuning into this weeks epidote of Junky Watch.

SKETCH END

Delivery Slot - Sketch

 

Delivery Slot

L: Dearest S, I shall have to remain at my abode all morning tomorrow. I was given a time slot. 8am-1pm. My drivers name will be David. I’ve set my alarm early for 7am just to be sure. I hope I will receive word before hand. Perhaps, a shorter time frame. Alas, one can only hope. Yours always, S.

F/X Text notification.

L: I’m afraid I slept in until 8am! I rushed to the door in my nightgown to check. No card no driver. I do not think I have missed them thankfully. I am up now so I must continue about my day. Yours, with love, L.

F/X Text notification.

L: Dearest S, It is now 10am. I have a work call however, I have cleverly muted my video and camera to run to the door at moments notice. Perhaps, I can even get away with watching a show. Muted with subtitles of course. I do not wish to miss the delivery. Love, L.

F/X Text notification.

L: Sorry to be crass my love but I am in desperate need to urinate. S, without you here to take over door duties I worry I will miss the delivery. I will not allow myself to be relieved just yet, with it only being 11:30am. There is not much longer to wait. Yours, L.

F/X Text notification.

L: My lovely S, it is lunch time now, around 12pm. I hunger, yet there us not much in apart from an overripe banana and a slice of bread. When you make your return will you bring a large cheese pizza and dips. XoXo L.

F/X Text notification.

L: That’s it! 1pm and no-ones here! I’m bloody bursting now! If anyone knocks now I’ll jump and pee everywhere. I have to go. L.

F/X Text notification.

L: The second I sat down to pee I heard it. Knock bloody knock!

F/X Text notification.

S: Do you want me to bring chips too then? S.

L: Yeah…

END

Visit a Scottish Seaside Town - Sketch

 

Visit a Scottish Seaside Town

NARRATOR: Wanting a change without coughing up the dosh to take the kids somewhere abroad? Especially after last time where they refused to eat anything that wasn’t a chicken nugget? No matter how many times you explained that chicken goujons were very similar to chicken nuggets? (beat) Then why not take a trip to a sunny seaside town in Scotland? (beat) Try a walk around the local harbour, get a classic fish and chips? They do chicken nuggets at chippies sometimes too.

F/X Static.

WARNING ANNOUNCER: Warning! Very important tourist reminder. Do NOT feed the seagulls. I repeat do not feed the gulls! They will become very aggressive. Not in a viral video way. There is nothing funny about it. Big Mad Larry had his head cracked open like a walnut last Tuesday by only a baby gull. And if that’s not enough to convince you we have still not found Jullie’s son who was carried away by a bigger gull last week! Locals have said they hear him squawk from a Cliffside nest. He’s one with seagulls now. So please do not-

F/X seagull squawk and static

NARRATOR: And what holiday by the Scottish seaside wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the beach. Contrary to popular belief Scotland does in fact reach hot! Hot! Hot! Temperatures of 20, sometimes 21 degrees! However, it is important to plan your visit around the small warm weather window. This year it is on June 27^th between 11 am and 11:15am. (Beat) Too hot to handle? Don’t worry temperatures will drop for the rest of the summer with the never ending down pour, thunder storms and surprise snow midway through. And that’s all on one street! Don’t worry if you don’t like the heat and still want to experience the sunny minutes the tide is always high freezing cold and crashing over the barriers soaking you and your loved ones!

F/X Static.

WARNING ANNOUNCER: Good I have control back. Please listen. The seagulls have taken control of the safety announcements studio. DO NOT feed them. It will only make things worse! Another child has been taken. Mary’s daughter from the big shop. We can only hope she’s safe in the nest. Please send help. And do NOT feed the-

F/X seagull squawk followed by static.

NARRATOR: So come down to our gloomy seaside town today and have the staycation of your dreams instead of going somewhere more consistently sunny like Spain!

END

Fantasy Couple Swap: Enemies Edition - Sketch

 

Fantasy Couple Swap: Enemies Edition

NARRATOR: Tonight on fantasy couple swap we have Goodie Witch who is happily married to the devil. She will be moving from her comfy, fiery throne to a cold, wooden church building with the local preacher. The man in question is the one who has sentenced her to be trailed as a witch. Let’s see what she has to say about the swap.

GOODIE WITCH: Well, obviously I’m not looking forward to it. I don’t fancy living with someone so determined to have me burned to death.

INTERVIEWER: How do you feel about Mrs Preacher living with your husband?

GOODIE WITCH: That cow! Sitting on my thrown! After the scene she caused at my wedding!

INTERVIEWER: What happened?

GOODIE WITCH: First off, she was meant to be my maid of honour, my bestie then out of nowhere during the reception she ran out into the middle of the hall and pointed right in my face. It was rather soar since she’d had her nails done. And she shouted in front of the whole town ‘I saw Goodie Witch dancing with the devil!’

INTERVIEWER: Did you dance with the devil?

GOODIE WITCH: Of course I did! It was our first dance as husband and wife!

NARRATOR: Let’s check in the devil and Mrs Preacher.

F/X Bestial roar.

INTERVIEWER: And where is the preacher’s wife?

DEVIL (Deep echoed voice): Roasted. She is a good offering. An apology from the preacher. Delicious. My wife will be much pleased.

END

A Chef’s Nightmare: The Bleeps Only - Sketch

 1 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 1

A CHEF is standing behind a counter. A clapperboard is brought in front of the camera. A VOICE is heard off camera.

 VOICE

The Easy Cooking Show. Scene one take one.

The clapperboard is clapped and it leaves the frame.

CHEF

Hello and welcome to The Easy Cooking Show where we teach you just how easy it is to cook! First let’s get out our chippy boards and-

Off camera we hear some muffled words.

CHEF

I said chippy board? Really alright let’s do that again.

CUT TO:

2 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 2

Same scene as before but the chef is walking towards the counter he trips and falls with his arms flailing. He is now behind the counter. We can’t see him for a moment before he slumps up onto the counter laughing.

CHEF

It’s going to be one of those shoots today I think. Sorry, everyone.

CUT TO:

3 INT. DAY - STUDIO KITCHEN 3

A close up of the counter the chef's hand is lying flat with his fingers spread out.

CHEF

Look how good I am with the knife though.

3 CONTINUED: 3

He has a big sharp knife in his other hand. And starts playing the knife game except he hits each of his fingers repeatedly before noticing the blood.

CHEF

Shit…

CUT TO:

4 INT. DAY - KITCHEN 4

The chef is at the counter. All his fingers on one hand have blue plasters on them. He has a clean knife, a carrot and chopping board ready. He looks a little dishevelled.

CHEF

Now, chop the carrot nice and fine.

The chef starts to very quickly cut the carrot.

CHEF

Don’t worry if you aren’t as fast as me. I've been training for so many years. Just take your time and-

He has reached the end of the carrot and chops off his finger. Blood fountains up into his face covering his eyes. He drops the knife on the counter.

CHEF

My eyes! It’s in my eyes! What even is that?!

The chef wipes the blood from his eyes and looks at his finger for the first time. It is still spouting blood. The chef goes completely white before fainting behind the counter.

CUT TO:

5 INT. DAY - KITCHEN 5

The chef is standing at the counter. He is very pale and leaning on the counter for support. His white chef's coat is covered in old blood. His hands have the same plasters as before but a stump from his missing finger which has blue plasters that are soaked in blood all over it.

5 CONTINUED: 5

CHEF

And that, everyone, is how to make coleslaw.

Paramedics start coming in and assessing him.

CHEF

(cont)

Hope you enjoyed. See you next week where we make toast. Goodbye.

The chef is a little bit sick and he waves at the camera.

SKETCH END

The Punks of Women's Suffrage - Sketch

 INT - EVENING - SMALL EVENT HALL

It is 1897. Two women are sitting around a table. The first woman is MILLICENT FAWCETT. The second is a SUFFRAGIST MEMBER.

MILLICENT FAWCETT

Welcome to the tenth meeting of the Suffragists. Let's give ourselves a round of applause.

They both gently clap for a few seconds.

MILLICENT FAWCETT

It seems our newest member is running a little late. Nevermind let’s crack on. (Pause) What shall we do next?

SUFFRAGIST MEMBER

Well, we could do  another march?

MILLICENT FAWCETT

Oh I do love a good march. What of flyers? We could hand some-

A woman (CHRISTABEL PANKHURST) burst into the room. She is covered in soot.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

I planted a bomb!

The Suffragist member gasps before fainting.

MILLICENT FAWSETT

What on earth possessed you, child?

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

I should say it was my mothers idea. She thought it would get people's attention. Let them all know how serious we are.

CUT TO:

EXT - DAY - LONDON STREET

THE SUFFRAGISTS are marching holding signs that say ‘Votes for Women’ on them. They hand out flyers to passers by. They all chant ‘Votes for Women’ a MAN walking past hands them some change.

MAN

Get yourself a tea on me.

CUT TO:

EXT - DAY - MEN’S GOLF CLUB

On top of a hill that overlooks the golf club we see CHIRSTABEL PANKHURST and her Mother (EMMELINE PANKHURST)sitting beside a bucket of hatchets. The hatchets have little tags on them in Suffragette’s colours that say ‘Votes for Women’. Christabel has binoculars on her lap. She picks them up and looks through them. We get her P.O.V. It is of TWO MEN one of which is getting ready to putt.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

FOUR!

A hatchet swings towards the men narrowly missing them both.

CHRISTABEL PANKHURST

Damn. Here you try.

The binoculars are passed to Emmeline. We now get here P.O.V it is very similar just from a slightly different angle. Emmeline takes a deep breath before we see the hatchet fly again. This time hitting the man in the back. He falls down onto his face.

EMMELINE PANKHURST

Hole in one!

SKETCH END 

The so Called "Great King" - Sketch

 EXT - DAY - CLIFF EDINBURGH

A woman (NARRATOR) is walking aimlessly near a cliff edge towards a camera. She is dressed smartly. As she walks she narrowly misses slipping off the cliff with each step.

NARRATOR

We are currently at the site where King Alexander eye, eye, eye or to his pals Alexander the Great died. (Pause) It was around here that it is thought that his horse flung him down this very cliff. Many histories say that he, the king not the horse, was so incredibly horny he could not wait one more night to see his wife while the thick fog cleared. (Pause) At least for his widow it is safe that there was no other wench for him. (Pause) Across Edinburgh that is. 

The wind picks up causing her hair to fly around crazily and smacking her in the face. She just continues on walking dangerously close to the cliff edge while following the camera.

NARRATOR

(Cont.)

It is believed that several of his pals told him something along the lines of ‘Aye, we’re all up fir a gid time and a belther but that’s naw taps aff weather pal.” to which the Great King replied ‘Lads. Lads. Lads” Before riding off into the dark, foggy streets of Edinburgh for a quick shag.

Narrator steps off the cliff and tumbles violently down it for a while before landing at the bottom on her butt. She is covered in blood and scratches. Her leg is facing the wrong way and she can’t hold up one of her arms. She sits up right and looks at the camera.

NARRATOR

Wow, there's a camera down here. That’s good ain’t it? (Pause) It is argued amongst historians that the King simply did not have an hair to the throne and that is why he had to rush back. But surely that could have waited. I mean the seat would be warm enough. I don’t see why a wig would help. It would be itchy more than anything. Anyway, it is at this point we feel it’s important to point out the irony of the so Called ‘Great Kings’ untimely death. (Pause) We did originally think it was pretty obvious but our producer Tim pointed out that anyone watching this can’t find the remote and is too drunk to care.

Narrator looks back up the cliff.

NARRATOR

It’s fucking windy up there like. I hope my hair got blown about enough. (Pause) Suppose I’d better find a way back up. (Pause) Tim? You there?

SKETCH END

Indecision Will be Your Death - Sketch

 INT - NIGHT - BASEMENT

A WOMAN is tied up in a basement. She has tape covering her mouth. The KILLER looms over her holding pliers.

KILLER

First I’m going to pull out your finger nails with pliers. (pause) Or actually how about bamboo. That’s all the rage in Asia right? (pause) Oh no. Is, is that appropriation maybe? (pause) Hmmm what to do, what to (pause) I know! I’ll remove your scalp with…

The killer looks around the basement for something to use.

KILLER

(Cont.)

Oh damn I only have dirty potato peelers. I guess that doesn’t really matter. (pause) Actually, infection while you slowly bleed to death is good.

The killer looks around for a while before picking up a rusty hatchet.

KILLER

There’s this! What do you think?

WOMAN

(Muffled)

No. No! Please!

KILLER

That’s right I did decide to go for tape in the end. Never mind. Oh! How about I sing all creepy like while I drag this down your face. That would  be fun. Maybe a nursery rhyme or-

A loud banging can be heard from the basement door.

KILLER

Guests? I didn’t invite anyone. I’m not dumb.

The killer drops the axe. The banging gets louder and louder.

KILLER

Don’t want to look suspicious now. Maybe I’ll go see or we could just-

The door gets knocked off its hinges. The police rush in.

KILLER

Uh-oh, I’ll run, or grab the axe or-

The killer is pinned to the ground by the police.

KILLER

Oh, you guys are fast. I knew I’d regret not taking that deal with that witch doctor. I could be doves right now.

SKETCH END