Nattering Nans: Inside Number 5 - Sketch

 EXT - MORNING - BUS STOP

LADY and LASSIE are entering a bus shelter.

LASSIE

Five mins early, see loads of time.

LADY

Well, you have to. Or they won’t stop.

Lady tries to sit on the bus bench. She slides on and off of it.

LADY

Why are these bus seats so sloped?

LASSIE

So homeless people don’t sleep on them.

LADY

What do they do instead?

LASSISE

Piss on them.

Lady stands up and doesn't try to sit again. A bus starts to arrive. Lady waves it down.

LASSIE

No, that's not ours.

The bus has stopped.

LADY

Ooops. Sorry wrong bus.

The bus drives off. Lassie looks at the display.

LASSIE

Ours isn’t due for four mins anyway.

Lady starts pacing back and forth. She frantically looks for the bus. A bike whizzes past.

LADY

No! Stop.

LASSIE

That was a bike. Just calm down.

LADY

How long left?

Lassie looks at the display.

LASSIE

It says delayed now.

LADY

For how long?

LASSIE

It doesn’t say.

LADY

Well, that’s no use!

LASSIE

Wait, wait it’s changing. (Beat) don’t panic, the bus isn’t showing anymore.

LADY

AAAAHHH!

LASSIE

Look we’ll be fine just look out for a number five.

Every time Lady says ‘there’ she points.

LADY

There.

LASSIE

That’s a house.

LADY

There.

LASSIE

That’s a graffitied phone number with a five in it.

LADY

Well, maybe we can call that.

LASSIE

I don’t think we want to call Big John for a good time.

LADY

You said ‘Look for a five’. I was just trying to help.

LASSIE

I meant a number five bus!

LADY

OOOH! A bus. Right, I’m with you now.

LASSIE

Just stop freaking out and just wait.

LADY

Right. Im calm. I’m calm. I’m - Oh no! Oh God!

LASSIE

What?

LADY

The door! Did I lock the door?

LASSIE

Yes. of course you did.

LADY

What about the cat?

LASSIE

We’re only going down the road, the cat- wait what cat?

LADY

Oh, yeah I don’t have a cat never mind.

Lassie glares at Lady.

LADY

I have an idea. Why don’t you sing me a song?

LASSIE

No. I’m not signing to you.

LADY

What about a story?

LASSIE

No.

LADY

Oh, come on I’m always telling you the gossip. Plus it’ll help take my mind off it.

LASSIE

Fine. Uhhh… once upon a time there were some trousers. Wait that’s not mine. Oh, forget it. I’m not doing it. Let’s just sit quietly and wait.

A beat before Lady whistles.

LASSIE

No. Not that.

Lady pouts. Then starts drumming lightly on her knees. She gets carried away and ends up fully air drumming while making drum noises with her mouth. Lassie rips the metal bus timetable off the shelter and smacks Lady in the face with it. Then she chucks it to the ground. Lady holds her face in her hand in pain.

LASSIE

I suggest we both just sit here in silence until the bus arrives.

Lady mimes covering the drums and putting the sticks away in her pocket. Lady waits a few seconds before turning to talk. Lassie holds up a finger.

LASSIE

Not yet.

Lady goes to speak again.

LASSIE

No. The board hasn’t updated.

Lady doesn’t have time to open her mouth this time.

LASSIE

And no. I’m not playing eye spy with you.

Lady goes into her bag and starts opening a hard-boiled sweet.

LASSIE

Can I have one?

Lady ignores her and keeps opening the sweet.

LASSIE

Lady?

Lady puts her finger to her lips

LASSIE

Right!

Lassie starts trying to grab the sweet. Lady slaps her away. They end up in a slap fight before the sweet gets slapped out of Lady’s hand. It lands on the floor with with paper off.

CUT TO:

EXT - EVENING - BUS STOP

Lady and Lassie are still waiting on the bus.

LADY

I don’t think it’s gonna come.

LASSIE

No. Let’s go home.

Lady and Lassie leave the shot. Just as they do. A bus arrives. It’s a number five.

Summoning Waiting... - Sketch

 INT - EVENING - WITCHES SHACK

A witch is sitting in front of a circle of salt. Reading from a book. She is BLACK ANNIS.

ANNIS

I summon thee Baba Yaga!

BABA YAGA appears in the center of the circle facing away from Annis. She is faint like a ghost.

BABA

I can’t see you, Annis. What’s wrong?

ANNIS

Turn around Baba.

Baba turns a little to her left.

ANNIS

No turn fully around.

Baba turns a complete 180. (Annis’s right)

ANNIS

No, I meant- Nevermind just turn a little right.

Baba turns a little left.

ANNIS

No, your other right. Just keep turning right until you see me.

Baba turns right very slowly until she is facing Black Annis.

BABA

I do not know why you summoned me. Why couldn’t we just have met in the woods like normal? Or better yet you could have just walked to mine. You live around the corner, you lazy girl.

ANNIS

Lilith said she’s far too busy in the underworld to meet. So this is the best way to reach her. If you step to your right, I’ll summon her.

Baba steps to her left.

ANNIS

(Under her breath.)

Left will do.

ANNIS

(Cont. Reading from book)

Oh great Lady of Hell, Satan's Bride, most evil and- oh the bloody cheek, she’s written most babies eaten!

BABA

That lying bitch. We both know that’s me.

ANNIS

Well, best not get into that again. Listen Liith! You dozy cow. I Black Annis summon you. So just answer already.

A floating icon photo of Lilith appears beside Baba Yaga. Underneath is the word ‘Summoning’ followed by three dots that appear and reappear. A ringtone is heard it’s bad quality lost souls howling.

BABA

What’s happening now? Have you done it wrong?

ANNIS

Like to see you try. No, she’s just taking a while to pick up.

The howling stops. A VOICEOVER can be heard. It’s a deep demon voice. It is very monotone.

VOICEOVER

You have reached the voice mail for…

LILITH

(Pre-recorded response)

Lady Satan, the greatest demon queen, ruler of hell and all-mighty Herald of Darkness. Oh and evil princess!

VOICEOVER

Please leave a message after the scream.

A scream is heard.

ANNIS

Lilith! Pick up you abso-

A scream is heard again.

VOICEOVER

Summoning mail is filled. Please call back later.

The summoning icon disappears.

BABA

That narcissistic cow has filled her own voicemail!

ANNIS

Some of those are made up. They have to be!

BABA

Except for Satan’s Bride.

ANNIS

Of course, not that she’d let us forget. I’m not summoning back. We’ll just meet in the-

Baba Yaga disappears too.

ANNIS

The old crone finally figured out how to hang up!

CUT TO:

INT - SAME EVENING - HELL

Lilith is sitting in a fiery pit in hell. She is on a throne made of skulls. Beside her is a DEMON, who is holding an answering machine.

DEMON

Lady Satan, are you sure it isn’t a little long?

LILITH

No. But I don’t think it is quite right. Record another.

DEMON

Really? It’s been six hundred and sixty-five times.

LILITH

Yes, and what does Satan always say?

BOTH

The six hundred and sixty-sixth time does the charm.

LILITH

Exactly. Now get to it.

DEMON

OK, now.

LILITH

Lilith, the Bride of Satan, Lady of the Underworld, ruler of darkness…

Lilith trails off.

Waste Land TV: Bunkers! Bunkers! Bunkers! - Sketch

 INT - AD ON TV - DAY

The scene is of an ad on an old static TV. The ad is a mix of realistic backgrounds with cartoon characters.

The first ad is an infographic-style with a chirpy VOICE-OVER.

VOICE-OVER

How will you survive the up-and-coming nuclear blast? Maybe a metal shield? Hell, even a sheet of metal is better than nothing. Stop drop and roll aint going to save you here. 

A cartoon man is hiding behind a metal sheet with a mushroom cloud in front of him. His flesh has already started to melt.

VOICE-OVER

(cont.)

Best you follow our three-point plan:

As each point is revealed a drawing appears to represent it.

Step 1 - Say goodbye to your loved ones!

A cartoon of a scared family huddling and waving.

Step 2 - Scream as your flesh is melted off your face!

A cartoon man on his knees screaming the top half of him is a skeleton the bottom half is normal.

Step 3 - Relax and enjoy the afterlife!

An angel drinking out of a coconut. He is wearing shades.

Blueprints of bunkers have started to show on screen. When crazy Jo is mentioned a wild-looking cartoon man standing in a hole with his head poking out. He is holding a shovel. After that, a cartoon man standing in a doorway is shown. His flesh has melted off.

VOICE-OVER

(cont.)

Really you should have put all your hard-earned money into one of our underground bunkers. But hey, it’s a bit too late for that now isn’t it? Let's face it, what’s money going to be worth when we run out of food? Maybe Crazy Jo will let you hide in the hole he dug? Or how about standing in a doorway? It works for earthquakes. If you survive the initial rumble then you have the high amounts of radiation to look forward to!

The TV goes static. The camera zooms out to reveal a lone TV in the middle of the rubble. A mushroom cloud can be seen in the distance. A Giant glowing cockroach climbs over the TV. 

Hashtag So Cute! - Sketch

 INT - BASEMENT - EVENING

A KILLER is dragging a VICTIM down their basement stairs. The victim's top rips.

KILLER

Oh, no. Your top ripped. What a shame! I cut your tongue out before I could ask you where you got it. Hashtag sorry not sorry!

The killer drags the victim to a chair and straps them to it. They hold up the victim's hand and pick up some pliers. They go to start pulling their fingernails out. They pause. The victim's nails are rainbow with glitter mixed in. 

KILLER

Oh, these are so cute! Such a shame I’m going to rip them from your flesh. lol!

The killer continues pulling the nails. The victim winces but cannot scream.

KILLER

OGM! Those shoes. They remind me. When I tortured and killed your sister, she had similar shoes. Very cute. But too small. What are those size 6? 7?

 The victim looks confused and slowly nods their head.

KILLER

Nice hashtag bargain! I’ll be having those. Not like you’ll need them soon eh? Time for scalping!!

The killer picks up a rusty blade.

KILLER

I’m gonna be super careful with this. More pain for you which bonus! Not only that, then I get a gorgeous wig. Like really your hair is beautiful.

The killer very slowly drags the blade across the victim's scalp. 

CUT TO:

INT - BAMENT - EVENING

The killer is sitting with their legs crossed over reading a magazine called ‘Cute Killers Weekly’. They are wearing the victim's scalp/hair as a wig. They have the nails glued onto their nails and are wearing the victim's shoes. They have blood smeared across their face in the shape of a facemask. The victim is dead on the floor in front of them.

KILLER

Nice! Aced the quiz! I got Mystical Myers. You love the more social side of killing but you make sure the job is messy.