Rain, Seafood and Annoying Waiters - Sketch

 INT/EXT - AIRPORT - MORNING

Two men are standing in the doorway of an airport, leaving. One of them has two suitcases. He is EDWARD and the other is RICKY.

RICKY

We did it! Once we walk through the airport doors we’re officially on holiday! Hello, sunny Majorca in, three, two, one... And...

They both walk out. Ricky has his eyes closed and arms out to the side. They get soaked. It’s raining heavily.

RICKY

And it’s pissing of rain. Great. Why didn’t you check the forecast?

EDWARD

It’s Spain, in July. Why on earth would I have checked the weather?

RICKY

It’s fine. It’s not a complete disaster yet. Let’s just get the coach to the hotel.

They both rush off, out of shot.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - HOTEL RESTAURANT - EVENING

Edward and Ricky are standing beside a WAITER waiting to be seated. They are both in Hawaiian shirts and knee-length, beige shorts.

WAITER

Evening Sirs. Sorry, but we have a dress code here. Men must wear long trousers.

A group of women walk past in tiny vests and denim shorts.

RICKY

Oh, I see what the dress code is.

EDWARD

We don’t have long trousers. It’s Spain.

WAITER

We can’t let you in without long trousers.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - HOTEL RESTAURANT - SAME EVENING

Edward and Ricky are back in the restaurant. They are wearing the same shirts as before but with pyjama bottoms. Ricky has faded pink and white stripes. Edward’s are covered in cartoon characters.

WAITER

Much better Sirs. This way.

They both follow the waiter to their table and sit down. The waiter stands close to the table.

WAITER

It’s a buffet so you can help yourselves.

EDWARD

Thanks. What about drinks?

WAITOR

We have some nice wines?

RICKY

No, I’ll just have a water.

EDWARD

Me too.

WAITER

That’ll be four euros.

EDWARD

Oh, no we paid for all-inclusive.

WAITER

No, Sir. The water and other drinks are not included in that package.

RICKY

That’s not very inclusive is it?

RICKY

This is becoming a complete and utter disaster!

EDWARD

Look you get food and…

The waiter doesn’t move from the table.

EDWARD

Are you going to stand there the whole time?

WAITER

Yes Sir. In case you need me, Sir.

Ricky goes to the buffet with his plate. The waiter swoops in to grab it.

RICKY

What are you doing?

WAITER

Are you not finished Sir?

RICKY

Finished? We’ve not even started.

WAITER

My mistake Sir.

The waiter slinks back but is still very close to the table. Ricky leaves for the buffet.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - HOTEL RESTAURANT - EVENING

Some time has passed. Ricky and Edward are sitting with half-eaten plates of seafood. The waiter is standing close by, checking his watch and shaking his head. He is being obvious and trying to hurry them up.

RICKY

I’m gonna nip to the loo.

Ricky gets up and leaves the frame. The waiter swoops in for the plate but Edward grabs it and pulls it towards himself.

EDWARD

He’s not done!

The waiter pulls the plate back.

WAITER

I have to clear the plates.

Edward pulls it back.

EDWARD

But we’re not done!

The waiter pulls the plate.

WAITER

You’ve had plenty to eat!

Edward pulls the plate back again.

EDWARD

It’s a buffet.

The waiter pulls the plate so hard it sends all the seafood flying covering himself and Edward. 

Fantasy Couples: Halloween Special - Sketch

 TV INTRO - MONTAGE OF FANTASY COUPLE SHOTS - VARIOUS TIMES OF DAY AND LOCATIONS.

Similar piano to the Halloween theme song plays. The images are of GHOSTFACE on dates with a generic 80’s camp instructor (CAMP INSTRUCTOR NUMBER 2). She often has a ‘2’ on her clothing somewhere. Followed by ASH WILLIAMS from the ‘Evil Dead’ taking the head of his dead girlfriend (LINDA) to the cinema, sharing a milkshake and so on.

NARRATOR

On tonight's episode of Fantasy Couples, we have a frightful treat, spooky mishaps and devilishly del- Ah no! Ah! Help!!!

Shuffling noises are heard. A new voice can be heard, a replacement narrator (NEW NARRATOR).

NEW NARRATOR

… And someone will clean up the body later? (beat) Yeah, cool. (beat) No, no it won’t smell for a while yet. Sorry about that folks. One of tonight's slasher villains who is part of the show was sick of the last narrator's Halloween comments. Anyway, in tonight's episode, we have slasher villain Ghostface and Camp Instructor Number 2. Followed by Ash Williams and his Deadite girlfriend, Linda.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - CABIN LIVING AREA - EVENING

Ghostface and Camp Instructor Number 2 are sitting on a couch in an old cabin. It’s dull and damp.

CAMP INSTRUCTOR NUMBER 2

So Ghosty over here had just killed every teen at the camp and all my co-workers and then I was like, oh no he’s coming for me. But I was just a background girl so he kinda forgot I was there. At first, I was like yay me! I’m the final girl! But then I was like, hey, I’m just as important. And I’m the only one who actually survived. So I got up and yelled ‘Hey! Tall, cute and spooky! Over here.’ He charged at me with his bloodied knife and I was like you are not going to kill me until I give you a piece of my-

NEW NARRATOR

Let’s move on to Ash and Linda for now.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - SHED - NIGHT

Ash is in a shed beside a workbench. In a vice is the head of Deadite Linda’s head. The red chainsaw is on the wall behind Ash.

ASH

So, yeah after Linda was possessed by-

Deadite Linda laughs maniacally.

ASH

Uhm, yeah I ended up having to chop off her head and burying it and-

Linda laughs insanely again.

ASH

I thought, why not-

Linda laughs and then speaks.

DEADITE LINDA

Ashy… Slahsy…

Linda laughs again.

ASH

That’s it!

Ash grabs the chainsaw off the wall and attaches it to his arm. He holds a pose, revving it before swinging it down onto Linda. Blood fills the screen.

ASH

Groovy, groovy silence.

NEW NARRATOR

That went about as well as I thought. Let’s check back in on that very long… oh.

CUT TO:

INT - CABIN LIVING AREA - EVENING

Same cabin as before but now Ghostface is repeatedly stabbing his girlfriend.

GHOSTFACE

Just shut up! Die bitch die!

NEW NARRATOR

Yup. sounds about right. I guess that’s it for tonight.

Shuffling about from the narrator can be heard.

NEW NARRATOR

Clean up crew. (beat) yeah, there’s blood, there, there… well all over really. (beat) and yeah that’s bits of dead body. Thank you I’m gonna get a coffee.

Nattering Nans: Dine Out - Sketch

 INT - RESTAURANT - LUNCH TIME

Two women (LADY and LASSIE) are sitting across each other at a booth table. The sound of a baby crying is heard.

LADY

Will you have a starter?

LASSIE

Are you?

LADY

I will if you will.

LASSIE

Have you seen the size of the starters here?

LADY

They are huge!

LASSIE

The size of that noisy baby over there.

LADY

Ridiculous, when I was a baby I never cried. Not once.

LASSIE

What’s it even crying for?

LADY

Free food? Free toys? How old anyway? One? Two months?

The baby stops crying.

LASSIE

You know what I was doing then?

LADY

Working down the mine!

LASSIE

Exactly. My father would roll me down the mineshaft and if I cried at the end they would send the canary down to test for gas before coming to collect me.

Lady shifts in the booth, it squeaks.

LADY

Will we share a starter or no?

LASSIE

Only if you’re OK with the price.

LADY

It’s an awful price, especially with how little you get.

Lassie shifts and the seat squeaks.

LASSIE

What about mains?

LADY

Thinking burger, but why is it always skin on fries?

LASSIE

Or sweet potato. If I want veg then I’d order a salad.

LADY

Aren’t regular potatoes veg?

LASSIE

Yeah but not really, They're nice for a start.

LADY

How about pudding?

LASSIE

Won’t we be too full?

LADY

Will we see how we feel later on?

A WAITER enters the scene.

WAITERS

Are you ladies ready to order? Just so you know pension meals are half the price of our regular meals.

LADY

Pension?

LASSIE

We are no pensioners Sonny!

LADY

For one thing, I’m only eighty-six and she’s only eighty-four. 

LASSIE

The audacity!

LADY

How very dare you!

LASSIE

Now, take this note.

Lassie hands the water a note. The seat squeaks as she moves.

LASSIE

(Cont.)

This is what we’d like bring us the full portions please and thank you!

WAITER

Uhm sorry ladies… this is your prescription.

LASSIE

Oh sorry, don’t have my reading glasses, here, this one.

Lassie and the waiter change more notes. The seat squeaks as she moves.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - RESTAURANT - LATER AFTERNOON

The ladies are sitting at the table with empty plates.

LADY

Will you have a pudding?

LASSIE

Are you?

LADY

I will if you will.

LASSIE

Have you seen the size of the puddings here?

LADY

They are huge!

Supermarket Races - Sketch

 INT - AFTERNOON - SUPERMARKET

A lady is entering a supermarket. We hear the back and forth of two narrators - NARRATOR 1 and NARRATOR 2. The camera follows the lady as she goes through the supermarket.

NARRATOR 1

She’s nipped to her local cheap-o shop. It’s midday and she’s only here for milk. She’s taking a deep breath in and (beat) She’s off.

The lady starts walking through the supermarket bypassing the veg section and heading for the dairy section.

NARRATOR 2

Let’s get that clock on the screen.

A timer is displayed on the screen counting up.

NARRATOR 1

She’s made it past the first hurdle and avoided the fruit and veg aisle and is heading straight for the dairy section.

NARRATOR 2

That’s where most customers slip up, wasting a lot of time following the flow of the store.

NARRATOR 1

Exactly, she’s already saved a good five/ten minutes there. Looks like we’re dealing with a real pro!

The aisle leading to the dairy section has only one woman in it with a pull-along basket. As soon as the customer approaches she starts weaving in and out with the basket making it hard to pass her.

NARRATOR 2

Uh-oh, looks like… yep it’s a low-down pull-along basket. The favourite of these shops.

NARRATOR 1

The natural enemy of the busy shopper. (beat) she darts left, she darts right but this basket fiend is weaving like a madwoman!

NARRATOR 2

It looks like our customer is at a loss and… no!

The woman with the basket suddenly stops looking oblivious to her surroundings.

NARRATOR 1

The woman with the basket has suddenly stopped for absolutely no reason! 

NARRATOR 2

But this is a great opportunity to squeeze past unnoticed!

The customer squeezes past the woman and begins to pick up speed. As she reaches the corner of the aisle she notices a child's teddy is on the floor.

NARRATOR 1

And she’s past! Power walks up to the corner but a child's teddy has fallen out of the pram.

Slowmo of the lady cutting the corner and jumping over the teddy before the mother picks up the toy.

NARRATOR 2

WOW. Incredible apex jump there. Making up beautifully for lost time with the basket weaver. And what’s this? She has secured the milk!

The customer picks up milk from the fridge. And begins walking down the wine aisle that looks empty.

NARRATOR 1

Not only that but she’s found one in date and not already opened!

NARRATOR 2

Result!

NARRATOR 1

Now, it’s too busy going back the way she entered the aisle so there’s only one way for it, yep it looks like she is going through the wine aisle.

NARRATOR 2

Looks pretty empty from where we are. (beat) wait what’s this?

A huge family (group of eighteen) suddenly appear at the end of the aisle they look and move like zombies.

NARRATOR 1

Looks like a sudden hoard of slow walkers. Family of eighteen I’d say.

NARRATOR 2

Nothing for it but to shuffle behind.

NARRATOR 1

I don’t think our customer is going to settle for that. Look at her go!

The customer nips and squeezes past very agile through the gaps. 

NARRATOR 2

The footwork! She’s able to move nimbly through those tiny gaps.

The customer looks for a self-checkout.

NARRATOR 1

She’s through the zombies and has reached the tills. She panically looks around and… no self-checkout!

NARRATOR 2

She must be feeling defeated right about now but she’ll persist knowing there’s no milk for a cuppy. She joins till number one with no other option.

She joins the only till out of four open. The queue is massive some people have two trollies worth of food.

NARRATOR 1

Only one of four tills is open. And looks like three families worth of shopping in that queue too.

NARRATOR 2 

Wait what’s this till three is opening. The question is, does she stay or-

As the till opens the huge family from the wine aisle sprints to the till.

NARRATOR 1

Noooooo! The zombie hoard suddenly picked up speed and filled the queue before she could make a move.

NARRATOR 2

It really shows just how quickly the game can change.

NARRATOR 1

This queue isn’t gonna move any time soon. Especially with Chatty Cathy on the till today. We’ll watch and see what happens. Tune in later for the final time.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT - SUPERMARKET - LATER AFTERNOON

The lady is now at the front of the queue paying for her milk.

NARRATOR 1

Stop the clock!

NARRATOR 2

Success!

NARRATOR 1

Let’s see that twenty minutes all for a pint of milk.

NARRATOR 2

Not our best time but not the worst.

NARRATOR 1

Good game customer, good game.