Undead Girl - Short Story

 Dear Diary,

I have taken to writing to you after centuries. I feel as alone as I did in my youth. A curse has been put upon me by some old crone. Who, I accidentally cut in front of in the queue. I didn’t except there to be so many people at the shops that late at night, let alone a witch! Plus, she was so shrivelled and old I mistook her for a giant raisin. And since I did not see her inline I did not cut in front of her. Not on purpose anyway.

It’s like second puberty! But instead of spots, it’s acidic boils. I daren’t to pop them. Or suffer the acid burns. I smell of death, even for a vampire. Plus I keep sprouting unwanted hairs! Ever since that bloody witch started polymorphing me into a cat.

I went to the local witch doctor the other night, to try and cure the boils at least. I am rather fond of being a cat from time to time. So that part is not so bad. Anyway, the stupid bitch rubbed garlic on my face! She said, “Oh sorry, I forgot you were a vampire”. Sure thing cow! So now not only am I covered in boils but, I have garlic-shaped burns everywhere! I later found out from my minion that the witch doctor is actually the hag's sister! So obviously it was on purpose and she did not forget!!!

Now, none of my friends want to come near me. The boils are too off-putting they say. To be fair, they do randomly explode and get quite the distance. But I know they really fear, that if they are seen with me they will be cursed too.

I am now doomed to be a social outcast once again. Until this damned curse is lifted anyway. I have tried contacting the witch, but she won’t answer my calls. I have left several voice messages apologising. I might have to try a summoning. Or I will send my minion to travel to the swamp and seek her out. I would go myself but I don’t really feel like going through a stinky swamp. Perhaps the swamp mud will be good for my skin if all else fails. I shall have my minion retrieve me some on the way back just in case. For now, I am doomed.

XOXO Undead Girl,

P.S. May the souls harvested be forever flavorful and in your dept.

Nattering Nans: It's the Most Terrible Time of the Year - Sketch

 INT - DAY - SIMPLE ROOM

A simple room with two armchairs and a closed door. Between the chairs is a serving trolly with a teapot that is covered in an excessive amount of doilies. Beside the teapot, is a pyramid of Ferrero Rocher. Two women (LADY and LASSIE) sit on either chair with teacups in their hands. They are wearing ugly Christmas jumpers with their names sewn in. Lady is wearing a Santa hat. Lassie has elf ears.

LADY

Did I tell you what the grandchildren have asked for, for Christmas?

LASSIE

No, but something expensive I bet.

LADY

No. They just asked for money.

LASSIE

Well, how do you even wrap that?

LADY

Exactly, just terrible with jingle bells on top!

LASSIE

How much you gonna give ‘em then?

LADY

Well, I asked their mother. She said just give what you normally spend. And I told her well what in the bloody tinsel am I gonna do with that? Each year it’s been different. First, it was toys. Then it was designer slippers. Last year bloody tablets each! 

LASSIE

Oh no. Do you, do you think…

Lassie gasps

LASSIE

(Cont.)

Well, I don’t want to say. No, I mustn’t.

LADY

Just say it,

LASSIE

No, I couldn’t bring myself to ruin your perception of your grandchildren.

LADY

Just spit it out!

Lassie blows raspberries as she talks.

LASSIE

Do you think the money is for-

LADY

What is this now?

LASSIE

You said spit it out so I am spitting it out.

LADY

Just hurry up and talk normally.

Lassie talks normally but really fast. Like she was being fast forward. 

LASSIE

Do you think the money is for drugs?

LADY

No, I do not! And yes, yes very clever. I see what you did. Just talk normally, please.

Lassie talks normally for the rest of the sketch.

LASSIE

Don’t you think Christmas comes so fast nowadays?

LADY

I know! It’s just awful, isn’t it?

LASSIE

Just for it to be all over in a day. (Beat) Well, I’m not doing it this year. No decorations. No ‘thank you’ cards. No turkey. None of it.

LADY

People don’t really do turkey now anyways.

LASSIE

Well, when I say no turkey. I will do it. It is expected after all.

LADY

And I guess with everything online now, you don’t really need to write cards and post ‘em,

LASSIE

Oh, I’ll do the cards. Jeany won’t do online for one. Oh and don’t let me forget. Must pick up a tree to let the grandkids decorate with me tomorrow.

LADY

So, you are doing Christmas then?

LASSIE

I know and isn’t just terrible!

LADY

And everyone is so feckless. I work hard for Christmas and it’s all ‘sit down mum, stop rushing, eat your turkey, I’ll do the dishes gran.’

LASSIE

And not one of them have thought maybe we don’t want to?

Lady jumps out of her chair, chucking her cup across the room.

LADY

Yeah! Maybe I want to do it all and take all the credit!

Lassie jumps up next throwing her mug too.

LASSIE

And they could just thank us instead of telling us what to bloody do!

LADY

Just let us do Christmas!

LASSIE

Maybe I want to run myself silly, so I can get a good moan about it later!

LADY

Exactly! It’s my Christmas too and I want to treat myself!

LASSIE

Just terrible. Not letting us enjoy our Christmas!

Waste Land TV: Themepark! - Sketch

 INT - AD ON TV - DAY

The scene is of an ad on an old static TV. The ad is a mix of realistic backgrounds with cartoon characters.

The ad has a chirpy VOICE-OVER.

VOICE-OVER

Do you and your family…

VOICE-OVER

(Under breath)

Or what's left of it.

VOICE-OVER

(Cont. Normal voice)

Want to get away from all the riots and bandits and flesh-eating giant cats? And by giant, I do mean fucking giant! Well, of course you do!

As various attractions and rides are described pictures of them flash up. Each one looking worse and worse with increasing numbers of mutants swarming terrified families. The environments and mutants are all realistic photos whereas the families are cute cartoon characters.

VOICE-OVER

(Cont.)

So Come down to Land of Waste! It’s right on the site of the Event!

A less chirpy, more fast-paced ROBOT-VOICE is heard.

ROBOT-VOICE

High levels of radiation still remain. Hazmat suites are recommended.

The chirpy voice-over returns.

VOICE-OVER

At Land of Waste, we have many rides and events. Such as the Mutant Race, race. Where authentic mutants of the Mutant Race chase you and the youngins around the park! With the top prize of… Your life! (Beat) Don’t worry about where and when the race takes place. It takes place anytime and all over the park. Just keep an eye out for those mutants and start running! Don’t hesitate. Seriously. Don’t. You’ll die! Still not enough? Well, how about you try our no height or age-restricted track ride? Made from real bits of the factory that caused the blast! The carts are made from the transport containers that were used to carry the highly reactive chemicals, safely through the factory! Don’t worry, we care more about your safety a little more than the factory owners did for the human population. We (beat) cleaned them out! Now, now, we know what you want to ask. “But how will you fuel them when the world's fuel sources have depleted and what little is left is heavily guarded by bandits?” Well, don’t worry about that. We have highly trained staff that push the carts around the track. Not only that but they wear authentically themed “safety” suits.

The robot-voice can be heard again.

ROBOT-VOICE

Land of Waste would like to apologise if any suites belonged to your loved ones. They are surprisingly distinct, so you will recognise them.

The chirpy voice-over returns

VOICE-OVER

So come on down today! If you got something to bargain with to get in that is!

The Ballad of the Clumsiest Maiden - A Bards Ballad

 There once was a maiden of most ungraceful nature.

She would walk and stumble and tumble and fall… before she’d stumble some more!

She’d walk into doors and slip on the stairs.

She was even know  to trip on what wasn’t there.

She was the clumsiest maiden of all.

It was a guarantee at some point in the day,

She would fall so often. Bets were made!

Whether it was a ball, the fair, her house,

She’d trip over a mouse.

Her drink would fall.

She’s over the wall.

Because… She is the clumsiest maiden of them all!

Maybe she would make a great court jester.

She’d still be a nuisance.

She cannae rhyme.

She lacks hand-eye coordination.

She is the clumsiest maiden of them all!

She is the wobbliest lass.

Never trust her a task,

That requires poise or lack of noise.

She’ll come crashing through the living room,

Take everything out two by two.

She is the clumsiest maiden of them alllllll!

Flash Apocalypse - Short Story

 Day 10 since it happened. Already running out of food. I’m down to my last Fudge. It’s dark here. Only some fabric between me and the outside world.

People started fighting after the Riots. Riots. That's not what we called them before. Harmless. It was… No. Before. It was different. Before. Mustn’t think too much on before. It got bad. Dark even. Someone got shot. Someone important. All over the… the Riots.

My life before. I just wanted… I couldn’t even buy a simple gift. Stop it, John! Stop remembering. You can't go back. Why Can’t I forget?! The world’s changed. It doesn’t matter how it started. Or what brought you here in the first place. There’s no-one-

The fabric covering me has been pulled to the side. The face revealed. I know that face it’s…

“There you are, John. Did the Black Friday sales get to you again?”

“Venessa? But it’s been days. No weeks! How did you… how?”

“It’s been 10 mins John. Now, get up out of that clothes rack and help me take this lot to the car, will you? Come on, the crowds have died down now.”

I stand with my remaining strength and follow my wife to the car.

“I heard a gunshot. But how?”

“That was a Nerf gun. Some kid shot a cardboard cutout of some celeb.”

Approaching the car now. My wife brings the spoils of war. I’m too in shock. I sit in the passenger seat.

“I’ll get this loaded up myself then shall I?”

So. It’s finally over. The Riots. The death and destruction. I must be the luckiest man alive. Not only did my wife survive. But she saved me. As she enters the car, I look at the back seat. That car seat. That was for...

“Where are the kids?! Did they make it?”

“What are you talking about? They’re down the road with your parents. Every year. Bloody idiot! I’ll just go next year myself. Be less drama!”

The children. I think of them as we drive. They are well. It scares me that one day they will have to face this mess. Only when they are old enough. But that could be only 2 maybe 3 years away? Who can say? I know they have been training with their brave mother. Doing the weekly shop. They are much stronger than me. Until the day comes. I must stand with my wife. I must fight in the Riots. Until the awful day, our children must fight for the sales. Fight for what they so desire. I hope that day is long off.

Tea Towel Trouble - Sketch

 INT - DAY - SPARE ROOM 

LADY is sitting at a computer in her house filling in a form. She is reading out what's on the screen. She is trying to buy something.

LADY

Click next to purchase. Add card info. Would you like to create an account for future use? No. Payment cancelled! Why? Fine, I’ll create an account. Add to cart. Details. Yes.

Lady types as she fills in the form.

LADY

(Cont.)

Name, address, mobile, fax? Why is fax mandatory? Carrier pigeon, password. Confirm all of the above. OK, I can just copy and paste. Sorry, the data does not match. Have you just copied and… why does it matter? Wait why has everything left?! AHHH! I just want to buy a tea towel! Oh, you can always check out as guest. Let's do that then. Just to note you cannot change your address, payment method, contact info and we might just not send your parcel all while calling you names. Well, never mind that then. I’ll just fill it out again!

A montage of Lady furiously typing to dramatic music. 

LADY

Phew. That took ages! Or actually under 5 minutes but still. Next, tick here once we’ve read our… blah blah blah. Tick! Do not tick if you do not want to not have our junk mail. Errrm? I don’t want to tick? Tick if you would like to receive actual junk posted through your letterbox? Untick. Untick. Why won’t it untick? It’s a mandatory field why? It’s strictly necessary data collection. So you can track how many of our customers like junk through their door? Let me guess 100%?

The computer beeps. The website goes blank leaving an error message.

LADY

Why are you… what? The site is down for maintenance due to a data breach about our junk policy. Wait can you hear me?

The computer beeps again. The text changes.

LADY

Yes… I mean no.

Some time passes. It is darker in the room now. Lady looks frazzled.

LADY

Ok. I’ve filled my details in 3 times despite only having 2 required times. Created an account and the order is out of stock.

Claterring can be heard off-camera.

LADY

Oh, good that will be my junk mail. How would you rate your experience? 1 star I never received my item. By the time I made an account and got through checkout, my item was out of stock. Sorry, your review cannot be less than five stars long. It must not include the words: never, received, out, of or stock. If you don’t complete this review your account will be deleted and all your orders will be charged but cancelled. (beat) Review timed out.

Another clatter.

LADY

And my bonus junk for completing the survey.

The Video Game Pub - Sketch

 INT - PUB

A FIGHTER walks into the pub. They are bloodied. They approach another NPC at the bar.

NPC

Oh wow, what happened to you?

FIGHTER

I was killed off.

NPC

At least you can have a break until the next game.

FIGHTER

No, I come back in a bit for a flashback.

NPC

Tell me it’s for motivation at least.

FIGHTER

Yeah really spurs ‘em on. But I gotta go in the age-a-tron to de-age.

NPC

Damn, it always takes so long! Last time they set it for the wrong age so I had to go in twice. Ended up missing my cutscene entirely.

FIGHT

Oh, crap. What happened?

NPC

It was alright. Just put down as an extremely rare bug. I did make it into one of those lost media vid though.

FIGHTER

Nice one! I’m just glad we aren’t in a choice matters game.

NPC

They get so confusing! Especially when they replay. Like am I dead this time? Who knows!

FIGHTER

Cheers to that!

Nattering Nans: Go to Derby - Sketch

 INT - DAY - SPORTS HALL

LADY and LASSIE are sitting on the bleachers.

LASSIE

Which one is your granddaughter then?

LADY

I can’t tell with all their helmets and stuff on. But she said she’d have a star on hers. But only sometimes.

LASSIE

Well, that’s not very helpful.

LADY

And she’ll have a number on her top. Twenty-something. But I can’t remember.

LASSIE

She’s been very vague. How is she expecting us to see her?

LADY

Shhhh! It’s about to start.

Off camera, we hear a ref call ‘Five seconds’ followed by a whistle.

LASSIE

Where’s the ball?

LADY

No, don’t be silly. There’s no ball. The one with the star gets pushed around the track until she knocks someone down.

LASSIE

Kinda like bowling then?

LADY

Must be.

LASSIE

Oi! Watch it! Ref! That girl was just shoved.

LADY

Oh no, dear. That’s allowed apparently. It’s a very rough game.

LASSIE 

A full rumbly-tumbly sport then?

The crowd cheers.

LADY

Oh! Someone must have bowled a point. We should cheer something.

LASSIE

Shall we cheer for your granddaughter?

LADY

Shall we?

LASSIE

Go on then. You first.

The cheering stops.

LADY

Best wait for the next time.

LASSIE

Why is she pointing at her crotch?

LADY

Rude girl.

LASSIE

Oh wait, no. Look the score changed when she did that.

LADY

Oh yeah. She got 4 bowls.

LASSIE

Why 4?

LADY

I guess because she pointed 4 times?

LASSIE

If all you have to do is point there. Then we could have a go, couldn’t we?

LADY

Shall we ask to sign up at the break?

LASSIE

Wait, no I can’t.

LADY

Because the hits are too hard and you almost broke your toe stubbing it on your drawers the other day?

LASSIE

No.

LADY

Or because we don’t know how to skate?

LASSIE

Well, it’s just, is practice a Tuesday? I cannae be doing a Tuesday.

LADY

Why not?

LASSIE

It’s bin night. I’m not going out and doing all that just to go back out for the bins.

LADY

Did I tell you how much those skates I got her cost?

LASSIES

30?

LADY

SO much more!

LASSIE

80?

LADY

Nope!

LASSIE

100?

LADY

140!

LASSIE

No?

LADY

Yes.

LASSIE

Nooo?

LADY

Yup.

LASSIE

N-

Lady slaps Lassie.

LADY

Enough!

Cheering starts again.

LADY

Go team!

LASSIE

Woo number 20 or so!

The cheering stops.

LASSIE

What if we did that girls job? The one over their sitting.

LADY

That’s where you get sent when you’ve been naughty.

LASSIE

The naughty box then?

A whistle blows. The crowd cheers. Lady and Lassie start pulling out sandwiches and thermoses of tea. They cheers their thermoses.